In da club

Unfamiliar territory and a coupon for free drinks led me and my lady to a bar last weekend.  Well,  I thought it was a bar.  It was (insert dramatic music)…A DANCE CLUB!  I walked in and my blood began to leave my head.  It was about as wide as a closet, the floor was covered with old beer and apparently wood glue, plus the music was loud enough to burst an eardrum.  I immediately remembered why I don’t go clubbin’ anymore.

I decided to order the most expensive drink I could to use up the coupon we had and then escaped to a corner.  The music was leaning very heavily J Lo and Pit Bull, but I observed the dance skills of the drunks and surmised they could have been playing Sepultura and Barney mash ups.  My favorite was an overweight Asian girl in a skin tight whore dress grinding on a really intoxicated white guy who weighed maybe 130 lbs.  Think DJ Qualls in Road Trip.  She was tossing her hair back and using her ass as a weapon against him.  His only skill was the classic hand on hip and try to keep up in the hopes she asked him to go back to her place.

I had enough and mercifully so had my girlfriend, so we went to leave.  They switched our tab with someone else’s.  Try and get a tab corrected with “Boom boom boom let me hear you say way-ooo, WAY-OOO!!!” at Nascar decibel levels.  Plus the bitchy bartender wouldn’t be bothered to help the other one figure it out.  Now I remember why I prefer to drink alone, in the dark, with just the voices in my head telling me who get revenge on.  People outside my walls are crazy.

Pictures from the capital of ‘Merica

I don’t post many pictures, so I thought this would be a welcome change.  My D.C. trip!

My salute to everyone’s favorite government institution, the IRS.
If Lincoln ran today, you would see a bumper sticker that said “Don’t blame me, I voted for Lincoln.” I would have one, by the way.
This looks like a comic, but it’s actual historical proof Abe and Cap fought the Rebels and Ruskies. I will not tolerate any dissent on this. It’s a fact.
Dr. King looks mad…”You will have Civil Rights, motherfucker!”
George Washington’s actual sword. You have no idea how much I wanted to steal this. I may be back…
The actual pillow Lincoln laid on before he died. If I would have touched this, the patriotic energy would have evaporated Iran instantly. You’re welcome, Iran, you’re welcome!

 

The vacation chronicles

I got a nice Christmas present from my lady – a trip to our nation’s capital.  She apparently has surmised I am somewhat patriotic…  We had a nice ride, mostly because all the government employees mass flee the city like rats in front of a fire once the weekend hits and tourists, mostly non-English speaking ones file in to fill the void.

There was a good start to the visit, as the hotel had free wine.  I don’t normally drink wine, but I wouldn’t turn down free alcohol if my liver was holding a gun to my head.  Then we enjoyed some really good sushi.  The weird part is that I’m pretty sure the hostess and our server were women, until they spoke.  I was jealous of their deep and booming voices.  I couldn’t get a voice that deep if I smoked Pall Malls while I slept every night.  Honestly, I wouldn’t have cared if their mystery genitals were on their foreheads, the food was that good.  Good start, vacation, good start.

More blah

Why do movies played on TV have to attempt to cover up cursing?  I just heard Ben Stiller called Matt Dillon a “froggin’ ashpole.”  That’s not even remotely close to anything I’ve ever heard.

Why is E doing a special interview with Kristin Cavallari?  An hour?  “Well I was on the Hills then I dated Jay Cutler…and I like cheese…and lavender scents.  That’s all I got.”

I’m pretty sure it’s not possible to go one week without Chris Brown trying to punch someone.

I don’t know if anything makes me more uncomfortable than seeing a grown man cry.  OK, two guys kissing, but a grown man crying is up there.

I can write a blog three to five days a week.  I have (although mostly horrible) over 2 hours of stage tested jokes.  I can’t think of new t-shirt right now to save my life.  Maybe if someone told me no Kardashian would ever be on TV again…that’s a good motivator.

Time to bitch

– If you call immediately after sending an email, but clearly before the person you sent the email to could possibly read said communication, then turn on a stove and stick your head inside.

– Do random spam boner emails actually work?  I receive five to ten a week, yet have never responded ever.  Maybe I’m missing the boat.  Look out for erectile dysfunction emails from chriscoencomedy.com.

– Snow in March is too much.  It’s like getting free beer when you’re lying in your own vomit in a truck stop bathroom.  Only me?  Well, forget it…it sucks.

– I heard someone mention Oprah last night.  Is she still alive?  Probably.  Can’t say I would care either way.

The infomercial

I hate infomercials – they’re way over the top with overly excited morons getting duped by weird looking hyper jackasses.  That said, I just got sucked in by one and I kind of hate myself.

I went to the grocery and heard they were giving away free stuff.  I couldn’t hear what it was, but I thought they said free food.  I shuffled over and realized for the amazing gift of a shitty fruit peeler, I had to listen to 15 minutes of a sales pitch for a vegetable slicer.  Well, I am clearly not buying this…but I’ll be nice.  It does a nice julienne cut though…even though I don’t really know what a julienne cut is…  OK, that’s enough, time to leave – there’s more?  It cuts steak fries?  That is cool.  Fast forward ten minutes and I got one.  They threw in some free shears, which are worth at least .75 cents on the open market.  What a deal!  On the drive home I remembered I haven’t sliced a vegetable since ever, but if I do, I’m set – unless of course the shitty third world construct fails me mid-slice and I lose part of my finger.