I went to Magic Mountain – not exactly an amusement park, but I don’t have kids so I lump all that shit together. Me and the lady had to use a groupon, so we both must have been sniffing gasoline because we went on Saturday at 8 pm. That’s like being fashionably late to a gangbang – horrible idea.
It was OK, except the other people that decided to show up and ruin everything. We were behind a couple ladies who were wearing “girls night out” slut dresses and heels. They didn’t see the five stroke limit, which I deduced as they averaged about 9 putts per hole. Oh well, on to the go karts. After a short wait of 57 minutes (who’s counting?) in which some idiot lost all their game tokens in the go kart, then couldn’t bend over and get them due to morbid obesity and skin tight jeans. That accounted for four of the 57 minutes – how about this rule, if you have to lift up skin flaps to properly wash, you don’t wear skinny jeans. I want to commend whatever southeast Asian child sewed those jeans, you young lad/lady, are a master tailor.
The go karts were nice, until some middle aged trashy lady decided to bump draft me. Her kart was about 10% faster than mine, so that meant it was necessary to ram me and shoot me dirty looks as I questioned in which scenarios I could legally punch a woman. Shame on me for watching the guy in the Tony Stewart hat instead. He was too busy balancing his spitter to run me off the track. I took a quick restroom break and realized the children either each drank 47 sodas or they were kickboxing as they pissed. I nearly peed in sink, but instead decided to leave my shoes in the parking lot so as not to taint my car on the way home.
We finished up with my favorite, Laser Tag. Some guy complained that his gun didn’t work, so I stalked him all night, racking up free kills all the way to a second place finish. When he started crying foul, I then targeted some teenage girl that stupidly thought turning her back would slow my carnival of death. Not so, future Teen Mom! Now if only I can fool some kid into trading his game tokens to me for pennies, this night will be complete…