I was apparently behind this one due to lack of a vagina, but the BDSM how to/supposed to be a love story Fifty Shades of Grey (and the other two sequels) are moistening up moms all over the world. I first heard about this “book” from a colleague, then I noticed every woman over 30 was following this book like a rat follows the Pied Piper down the street. What is it?
Recap: Some chick graduates college, and although a virgin, agrees to enter a contract as a submissive to some creepo. For those who don’t know what that is, he is the dominant one, the aggressor, he’s into S&M…oh hell, he basically abuses her sexually and somehow this is OK, because a woman wrote it. If I got caught watching porn like this, I would be a freak and a woman hater, but it’s words so it’s hot and cool I guess. After spankings and other more taboo weirdness, she falls in love (what?) and it’s all good (I haven’t read it, just hearsay, but this is a free blog, so suck it if you have a problem).
Here’s what bugs me about this literary drivel, by the number. 1. A woman told me I couldn’t handle what was in the book. Really? I lived in a frat house with 33 other guys for 3.5 years. The book could involve candle wax and waterboarding and I wouldn’t flinch. Try again, soccer mom. 2. Why do women love it? If I mentioned half this crap to any of my exes, I’d be on my knees from a knee to the groin, yet females across the fruited plain and lands beyond the sea are lapping up every slimy detail. Mixed messages, ladies! 3. I should have written this book. “Um, we need a smut book, not well written that will sell millions and make you famous.” Well, if I HAVE TO! 4. Are women this undersexed or do they really want to be roughed up? 50/50 chance you boys are going to jail if you try to find out. 5. It’s somehow not porn because it’s written. That’s pretentious porn and no one likes smug, judging porn.