Month: September 2012

What?  Let me explain.  I was supposed to do a show for a charity group whose purpose was to get clean drinking water for the kids.  Very noble, I say.  I don’t know what kids in America are drinking out of the toilet, but I digress.  Is there an opposition group?  “You know, I just love when kids drink out of mud puddles and open cisterns.  It builds character.”

Well, my friends, the show was cancelled due to lack of ticket sales…they had to sell 20 tickets.  Guess your cause sucks or you’re a bunch of lazy POS’s.  (POS stands for piece of shit, FYI BTW)  That, or the dirty water crowd is very busy spreading their whatever wing agenda!  Those bastards!  Now excuse me while I pour sewage into chocolate milk cartons.  No child gets fresh water on my watch!  (This message is approved by the American Freedom Patriots for Dysentery)

I saw Michael Turner, starting running back for the Atlanta Falcons, got a DUI last night…at 5 am.  This is amazing for several reasons.  First, he played the whole game last night until midnight.  This depresses me – he played in a NFL game then went out drinking until the sun was about to come up.  I played in an alumni football game last year and couldn’t sit up straight for over a week.  I now have a “hypermobile joint” in my upper back where the ribhead popped out of place.  That doesn’t go away, it’s always there.  I can crack my back now my inhaling.  This clown played against elite competition and went boozing all night.  What a dick.

Next, little known fact – NFL players have a FREE limo service provided to them by the league to avoid DUI’s.  Not a taxi with a swarthy, BO stinking cabbie.  A limo service.  Free.  Why?  To avoid DUI’s.  I once walked 29 blocks to avoid driving drunk to get back to my hotel because I am too poor to waste it on things like a cab…or a DUI for that matter.  Of course, I once rang up a $105 bar tab drinking draft beer.  That was a fun morning.

I would add Amanda Bynes’ driving trouble to this, but all I know is she’s a less famous Lindsay Lohan, which is like being a less sexually appealing Rosie O’Donnell or a less likeable Kristen Stewart.  (That means not good).  Of course, you could be a less comedically talented Chris Coen, in which case, you are Chris Coen circa 2009 and neither is good.

I won’t lie, I had to look up how to spell the title.  Comedy is a weird game.  To get work, people want to see video clips or have you guest set.  Guest setting sucks because you don’t get paid, but may get future work.  This is not normal.  “I would like to work here at the factory.”  “Well, why don’t you put in a week, show me you can run a crane.  Then I may hire you, but I’ll probably forget your name.  Unless you fuck up, then I’ll never, ever forget it.”

The video clip thing stinks because any asshole that has ever done comedy can put together a good five minutes.  Stack the crowd, do your best five and someone checking out the clip thinks you’re Richard Pryor.  I recently entered a comedy festival in a far away land where I had to submit a video clip and pay $25 to dump my name in a pool of great and shitty comics, hoping against hope I make the cut.  If I don’t get in, they keep the money.  I basically paid $25 to bribe some club owner to please God maybe watch my set.  Then, if they like it – I get to do a free festival, where I may possibly make some connections…or waste my time and money getting rejected in person.  I was about to say piss on it, then I saw the winner got to do prime time late night TV spots.  Only $25?  Sign me up!

Most comedy gigs are booked to stand alone, but sometimes comedy is shoehorned into a festival with music, food, and God knows what else.  Usually, this is an unmitigated disaster.  Some people think comedy works anywhere – “Yeah, we’re going to have you comics go up over here next to the bathroom, right before the jello rastlin’ and the band.”  Oh, great, I’m sure the audience is ready to be quiet and listen to my stupid ass for 30 minutes.

I did a festival type show and it went very well.  Thankfully, the powers that be moved us inside (outside shows are horrible – I’ve done one next to a bike rally).  Every festival is the same in terms of a crowd though.  Pre-show I saw a drag queen, a dude with a bomb tattoo on his face and another guy with a cane wearing a shirt that said “POOPIN”.  That’s it, just “POOPIN”.  Of course, there were tons of independent tents selling everything from crappy jewelry to comic books.  I even saw one station selling DUI lawyers.  That’s a good way to get a lawyer – what, you also sell vegetables at this stand?  Sounds like a solid law firm; you’re hired!  Now excuse me as I put one hand over my eye and drive home.

I did a show last night.  It was fine, there were about 20 people in attendance, which makes it the fourth best show I’ve done this year.  (Gunshot…thud)  All suicide laughs aside, it was interesting because it was a rock bar with gothic crosses and a picture of Ozzy the size of my front door by the men’s room.  Interesting, because the crowd was 92% black.  There’s black Ozzy fans…they hang out with Santa Claus and honest politicians.

I did the show, no complaints, except one.  I’m not a diva and the headliner was funny, but he was also 17.  That is a kick directly in the balls.  No offense, but when I started comedy, the headliner was having wet dreams and watching cartoons.  So now, as I type this, I’m listening to the Cult and pounding Busch Light like I’m on commission.  Oh well.  Complaining about who gets the headliner spot at a 20 person crowd show is like bitching that you’re seventh in the gangbang and not sixth.  Hey, what am I?  An animal?  The answer, sadly, is yes.

I usually blog about the open mike but the crowd mostly sucked.  So here’s what you get today.

– Why do we have a damn embassy in Egypt and Libya?  What piece of shit gives someone that ambassador job?  Here’s our diplomacy when you storm the gates and blow up our ambassador – flash, explosion, goodbye.  Cue “I am a real American” Hulk Hogan 1985 intro music.

– Gas is $4.00 a gallon.  In other words, I will now be doing one nighters in Franklin County and its neighbors only.  Hey politicians…might want to remember we vote in two months.  Approve some drilling, slap some OPEC reps and let me make some money making rednecks laugh at dick jokes.  Sorry endangered red breasted warbler, daddy needs his petro.

– I actually paid to see comedy this week.  Check out Kyle Kinane.  He’s worth a look – funny SOB.

– I realized my comedy writing was at an apex when I worked from home.  Working from home means “Yes, I can drink on a Tuesday!”  Working at a real job means “Yes I can get fired on Wednesday!”