I saw Michael Turner, starting running back for the Atlanta Falcons, got a DUI last night…at 5 am. This is amazing for several reasons. First, he played the whole game last night until midnight. This depresses me – he played in a NFL game then went out drinking until the sun was about to come up. I played in an alumni football game last year and couldn’t sit up straight for over a week. I now have a “hypermobile joint” in my upper back where the ribhead popped out of place. That doesn’t go away, it’s always there. I can crack my back now my inhaling. This clown played against elite competition and went boozing all night. What a dick.
Next, little known fact – NFL players have a FREE limo service provided to them by the league to avoid DUI’s. Not a taxi with a swarthy, BO stinking cabbie. A limo service. Free. Why? To avoid DUI’s. I once walked 29 blocks to avoid driving drunk to get back to my hotel because I am too poor to waste it on things like a cab…or a DUI for that matter. Of course, I once rang up a $105 bar tab drinking draft beer. That was a fun morning.
I would add Amanda Bynes’ driving trouble to this, but all I know is she’s a less famous Lindsay Lohan, which is like being a less sexually appealing Rosie O’Donnell or a less likeable Kristen Stewart. (That means not good). Of course, you could be a less comedically talented Chris Coen, in which case, you are Chris Coen circa 2009 and neither is good.