Month: January 2012

I got the notice on Tuesday last week that I could feature at the Cincy Funny Bone (which is actually in Kentucky – WHOA!).  I did the first show Thursday with the local talent and drove back to Cbus.  Friday, I was set to do five shows the rest of the week.  I was in such a hurry to get down there I scarfed down some Wendy’s in three minutes.  About 25 minutes later, I vomited part of the Wendy’s back into the sack.  Remind me not to eat a combo meal in three minutes if you see me.  Good thing I didn’t get any puke on me because I didn’t have time to change – I ran in the bathroom and made sure my dandy was on.  (I don’t know what that means.)

I sat in the showroom for the first show, then saw the back door open.  It was headliner John Witherspoon, Craig’s dad from Friday, and also a former writer on the Richard Pryor show.  “Is this all the people?”  I told him more were in line and he shut the door.  That was when I found out where the green room was…I am a dumbass.  It took me two shows in to find out where the green room was.

I then had the most embarrassing thing happen to me ever…

Just two comics hanging out post-show –

What am I talking about?  I hoofed it back (via car) from Cincy last night and I had to pee so bad I was hallucinating.  I hate stopping more than words can say.  There’s no worse feeling on earth, though, than when you get to your exit.  Then some weird body thing happens and you really have to go.

I would have driven 75 through the red lights, but I have a bit of an issue with traffic laws, so I didn’t.  I was pulling into the condo and it was so slippery, I almost lost control…at 10 mph.  Then I remembered at the condo meeting I approved the policy of no plows until three inches of snow.  Nice move, dumbass.  If I had a time machine, I would have pissed in it first, b/c I couldn’t hold it anymore.  Step 2, I would have went back and pissed on the minutes from that meeting and screamed, “You did this!  Not me!  This is on your hands…and table!”

I hate some things, but my least favorite doing comedy is the guy that comes up to me and says, “I want to try comedy, any advice?”  Yes.  Get your ass onstage.  Every 3-4 months I get dragged into mundane conversation like this – if you won’t do it, why ask me for advice?  “I want to win the Super Bowl.  Any thoughts?”  Yes, how about you start by playing football?

A guy at the show tonight decided to speak to me about this topic.  During the show.  I will pass on open mike info, give pointers about how shows work, etc. to anyone.  If you want to break down the nuances of comedy, no thanks.  Get over your stage fright and do it.  How are we going to discuss stage presence, material, timing, topic selection and God knows what when I know deep down inside, you’re fulfilling some weird dream of making people think you’re almost a comic…because you spoke with the emcee for five minutes.

That felt good.  While I’m thinking about it, don’t tell me jokes you heard that I heard when was eight and say, “You can use that!”  Or come up to me and say, “That one guy was great!”  Go tell him – you basically just said, “You’re inferior to the other person who’s not standing here!”

The Blockbuster about 1/2″ a mile from my house is going out of business.  This sucks, because I do the mailed movies and upon return, you get a free rental.  And before you lecture me, I have Netflix also.  I did notice some things about the store upon entering tonight to check out the clearance sales.

– It probably didn’t help that they had 47 copies of “Volver” and 92 “Dinner with the Schmucks”.  Probably should have saved those dollars.

– Nothing is more exciting than actually finding something cool on the clearance rack.  Yes, most of the movies sucked…until I got the last copy of “Cyborg” with Van Damme!  Weekend plans over!

– TV’s best the last decade beats movie’s bests.  I spent 15 minutes in TV series section and could have bought Mad Men, Deadwood, Rome, John Adams, Breaking Bad, 24, Spartacus, Family Guy, Sopranos and about 20 other series if I didn’t have a purpose in life and could watch 2 years’ worth of TV shows.

– They were selling the inserts that went behind the movie.  I hated those – taunting billboards you only saw when someone rented all the copies of the movie you wanted to see.  5 for a buck?  If someone has a use for DVD sized inserts of Katherine Heigl romcoms, they also have a use for a length of rope and an exposed cross beam.

– Did I mention I got Cyborg?  Awesome!

I had my first long set in a few weeks last weekend.  It was nice except the emcee said hello, introduced me to the owner, then said, “Well, let’s get this started!”  Nice to start a car in 25 degree weather and then mash the gas.  So, in a comedy first, the show started 30 minutes early.

My experience with comedy is that a lay off is no problem with me on material, it’s the ancillary stuff, like segues and set ups.  I mushmouthed a few set ups, overexplaining things like I was talking to a new immigrant crowd taking the citizenship test.  After about 10 minutes, I was good to go mentally.  I hate walking in and doing a set cold almost as much as a lady I read about that spells her name in all lower case letters.  It doesn’t make you special, dipshit, it makes you weird.

I must have done well enough, because I sold a DVD – as in I would have sold a DVD, but my computer sucks and can’t burn DVD’s and I didn’t have any more left.  Add that to the to do list.  I also sold a shirt and was tipped $5, but that was for doing the hamburger in the men’s room.  Just kidding, I did that for free.