Month: January 2012

My buddy’s brother worked on the show “Bioshock” on MTV in the 90’s.  It was a show about musicians, set to music, where you read about their pasts.  I found out through this connection that the hook to the show was putting some sort of conflict and/or tragedy right before the commercial break.  The show’s not on anymore, probably because most people who watch MTV can’t read.

I remember the one with Brandy and the big drama was something really lame, like she didn’t get the recording contract she wanted at 14 or something stupid.  Meanwhile, a 14 year old pregnant girl watching was crying because her only talent was being a fertile 14 year old.  Bad attempt at tragedy, MTV.  Brandy was worth more at 17 than I’ll ever be, so needless to say, I didn’t exactly collapse with grief over this drama.  Plus I was in college, so I was probably drunk which is why I don’t remember more about that stupid episode.  Of course, I’m still drunk.  Someone please help me.  Sorry, that happens from time to time.

I like biographies, but when they overdo it, it really drains my interest.  WOW!  That comedian was the center of attention?  Get outta here, TV!  I was flipping channels and according to Chelsea Handler’s bio, her comments on Angelina Jolie in 2010 were OUTRAGEOUS!!!  She’ll say anything!!!  Sigh…  I’ve seen a black woman do blackface onstage.  Now that’s over the top.  I have heard open mikers do jokes combining pedophiles and the Holocaust.  They weren’t funny, but as for shock value, a lot more than bashing Angelina.  That’s the best these producers could cook up?  I even knew a comic that did seven minutes of sexual assault jokes at a show once.  What was that guy’s name…

I fight very hard to keep my political views out of comedy.  That said, I could write entire acts on the dumbass comments people make on facebook, twitter, and news stories.  Comments on news stories?  Are we all reporters?  More importantly, are we stupid enough to think news outlets (left or right) are pure as the driven snow?  Of course not.

The reason I keep my thoughts to myself?  I don’t care what other people think via sniper fire in quick comments.  I would rather shave my balls with Rosie O’Donnell’s old Bic razor after she just cleaned up her back than start a 57 comment back and forth on facebook with someone who is blasting me with talking points from imalwayscorrect.org.  If someone wants to have a civil discussion, I’m in.  A virtual screaming match?  Cover me in honey and throw me on an anthill.  Get ready, everyone, for 2012!  If you read the comments section, we’ll have an undercover Kenyan Muslim against a Christian crusader who seeks to impose the Pope as the head of state and kill poor people.  Or is the Zionists behind the whole thing?  Probably that – I saw a lot of Jew bashing is making a comeback online, sadly.

Bullet point – keep your “I read this headline” political views to yourself.  I consume a lot material on my own.  Oh, and you live in your mom’s basement.  Thank you for the two cents, I’m fine.

I need to rerecord my comedy set because I’m a little more polished, have updated my act, blah blah blah.  I found a couple old DVD’s and remembered why I hate recording.  My current DVD (on sale on this site!) is perfect (as perfect as my crap act can be) – good video quality, crowd is great, lighting good.  All the other ones before that?  Not so much.

My best one previously was recorded at a bar show.  The video quality is awful and the server walks in front of the camera four times in 24 minutes.  For about seven minutes in the middle, the sound and video are 1.5 seconds off from one another, just enough to be maddeningly horrible.  I didn’t catch it at the time, but I’m standing next to a traffic light that changes about every five seconds from red to green to my right.  Oh, and I was standing in front of a drum set, no stage.  This was the best recording I had until June 25, 2010.

Why is it tough?  One time everything was perfect…except no crowd showed up.  Another time, I must have known to screw up because I said “like” 15 times.  Another show the venue cut my minutes from 25 to 15, which isn’t long enough to record.  Oh, and this isn’t counting the corrupted tape and bad cameras that cost me three shows.  On second thought, maybe I’ll forget it and go with an audio CD…

At the Browns/Steelers game Sunday, I quickly realized why I generally avoid human contact.  Upon sitting down, a drunk old guy behind was constantly screaming for everyone to sit down, because he paid $50 for his ticket.  This went on for 15 minutes until guards finally told everyone to sit down.  Six minutes later, everyone was standing again.  Luckily, the drunk had taken talking about how he was suspended from his job for parking in the wrong spot and was taking them to court.  Thankfully, that story ended, but the “sit down” chants started up again.

I was ready to strangle him (I was sitting down, by the way), but a new target of hate popped up.  A woman in front of me starting arguing with him how she paid $1100 for a ticket and she could do whatever she wanted.  I know she was full of shit because…1) We were at the Cleveland game.  The sidelines aren’t worth $1100.  2) She showed up at the end of the first quarter and left in the third.  If you pay $1100 for a ticket, you show up when the punter is warming up and leave when they chisel your frozen ass off the seat.  3) For $1100, you can fly anywhere in the world and back.  And probably afford to pay someone for sex, even if they’re not a prostitute.  That’s a lot of money.

I then found it fascinating that there are fans who heckle the opposing team and their fans, but in Cleveland, you get an equally strong contingent of people hecking their own team.  Between “Hey, hey, hey, Ben is gay!” and “I crap black and yellow every morning! (I don’t get that one)”, I also heard drunks yelling for the Browns to go for it on 4th and 10 from their own 46 with five minutes left in the game.  This is why fans don’t coach.

My aunt got tickets for my Dad and I to the final game of the NFL regular season, the “storied” rivalry of Cleveland and Pittsburgh.  I have to give Browns fans credit.  You are the greatest fans of any team in the history of sports.  Your team uprooted and left in the 90’s and has made the playoffs once since.  Yet going to the game, you would think it was 1964 all over again.  They get screwed repeatedly yet stick with their team.  Browns fans are like rape victims that apologize to their attackers for not being more into it.  That said, I was raised a Steelers fan, so piss on your team.

I know my place though, I was very subdued knowing I was in enemy territory, plus the ridiculous Cleveland weather didn’t exactly encourage boisterous enthusiasm.  By the fourth quarter, I was ready to pee my pants for warmth.  Turns out, the outcome didn’t matter once the evil Ravens beat the Bengals, but it was still a good time.  More on the fans tomorrow…