Month: October 2011

Show is at 8 pm, not 9.  Sorry.

I blogged once about the “adult baby” featured on the show “Taboo.”  It’s a fat douche, who, in his 30’s, dresses like a baby because hims had a bad childhood.  What broke after the story, is that he is getting Social Security benefits.  After all, he can’t work.  His childhood was rough, so we should all chip in.  Meanwhile, in Africa, some woman is getting HIV at the moment from being dry-raped by a warlord controlled gang.  Her husband would help, but his hands were cut off for voting.  Oh, and her kids are starving because the useless UN won’t properly distribute food, it’s being stolen by the gangs.

A senator found out he gets SS benefits and wanted an investigation.  Adult baby threatened to take his own life (oh no!).  Amazingly, Social Security held up his claim (I wonder if China will keep paying once they own America).  Now he wants an apology.  Well, I would like to personally apologize to the adult baby.  I’m sorry, if I ever had a chance, that I didn’t swerve my car onto the sidewalk and put you out of your misery, and our collective misery.  My bad, I’ll try harder next time.

I got the news via a phone call from my buddy that around 50 animals – tigers, bears, lions, and monkeys were running loose in my hometown of Zanesville, OH last night.  I then went to the most reliable source of info – Facebook.  Here are my thoughts…

1) How in hell do you pay for that many animals?  I couldn’t raise 50 fish.  I know, b/c my neighbor once gave me a pregnant red-tailed African chiclid.  It had a billion babies, give or take.  I went through three bags of feeder fish a week until I couldn’t take it anymore.  No pet store would take them, so I dumped all of those murderous demons into the pond near my leasing office at my apartment.  Let God decide!  (I destroyed the ecosystem, I bet my bottomfeeder is seven feet long now).

2) Anyone that says they shouldn’t have shot the animals is an ass.  Oh wait, let me get out my “Police guide to subduing bengal tigers and other animals not native to this hemisphere.”  FYI, Ohio legislators – a law may need updated about owning 1000 lb. jungle cats and black bears.

3) Although dumb, it would be awesome to own a wolf.  If it bit me, I would turn into a small faced teenager and fight vampires for the love of a small faced chick who’s supposed to be hot, but I don’t see it.  Plus, Bark at the Moon is the best live metal song ever.

I emceed the latest “Open Mike Talent Search” last night.  As always, craziness ensued.  One new comic took the stage and said, “I made a mistake and friended my Mom on Facebook.”  Then he forgot his next joke and ran off the stage.  I felt bad, for once.  I got on stage and said, “Everybody, this is hard.  That’s why I huff gasoline before every show.  Then I don’t care.”

Another older guy was up next and I told him.  “OK.  It’s all good.”  I turned around and he yelled, “NEXT!”  I instantly made it my goal to destroy him for disrespecting the comic onstage.  He took the stage and ripped me for not saying he was from Mississippi.  He never told me…so obviously, it’s my fault.  I then watched as he sat on the stool.  The mike still rested in the stand, five feet away.  I had, after six minutes, remove him from the stage.  No one heard him.  I grabbed the mike and said, “That guy was great.  My favorite joke of his was…then I dropped the mike and mouthed nothingness to the crowd.  Big laughs.  “Also, for the comics left, there’s a mike you can use!”

After, his nephew walked past me and made a snide remark about disrespecting him.  I turned and said, “Excuse me?”  “Nothing.”  That’s what I thought.  I was fully ready for a fist fight after.  At the clap off, he fell down and it was awful.  I rolled my eyes to full view of the crowd.  More laughs.  I hate that guy.  FYI, only $5 for the show.  I think they got their money’s worth if for the simple fact that craziness was on display.  I am definitely going next week for round 2.

I’m not old yet, but some things are getting to me.  The best thing I ever heard was my buddy said, “Getting old sucks.”  Another guy, older, at the bar said, “You’re not old!”  My buddy replied, “Well this is the oldest I’ve ever been, so suck it.”  That puts it into perspective.

I only (so far) lament two things.  I am going blind and it is an inevitable fact, I will have a nasty bald spot.  Knees hurt?  I can deal with that.  Harder to shake the fast food lbs.?  No problem.  Can’t sleep well?  Whatever, sleep is for the weak.  Dribble after peeing?  OK, that sucks too.  What in the name of God is that all about?  I need a zip tie sometimes.

Seriously, though, my eyesight is fading faster than Lindsay Lohan’s career.  Five years ago, I could read anything.  Now, I can’t read texts on my phone or menus without a light source.  I have to wear reading glasses when I get online.  Plus, my hair is thick, wavy, and awesome.  I checked the mirror the other day and realized I have about two years at most and I have a serious problem.  Look at my picture!  I can’t have hair like that with a shining sun of scalp just hanging around, eating up my dignity.  Ironically, my ass is hairier than a grizzly’s chest.  Thus my high school nickname, “The Bear.”  The human body sucks.

I went to the Newport Funny Bone (Cincy) to see my buddy Anthony O’Connell emcee the late show Friday.  It’s kind of weird as a comic to have the weekend off.  It’s cool, but you’re pissed that you’re not getting paid.  Yay, I’m free!  Oh wait, I’m in my 30’s and nothing is going on…

I was standing near the bar, b/c the room wasn’t yet open.  A group of three chicks and a dude walked over.  The ringleader grabbed my drink, not even hand on side, but full on top grab, like a claw game at the arcade and moved it.  They then muscled me into the corner, mostly due to fatness, not rudeness, but cornered nonetheless.  I then watched as they paid for drinks w/ gift certificates and didn’t tip.  The guy bitched about the two drink min, even though he got in free.  Then he bitched that the show started at 10:30.  I looked at my watch – it was 9:54.  How dare the show not start the exact instant he walked in?

The animals decided, when Anthony got onstage, that they would continue their converstations unabated instead of, I don’t know, watching the fucking show.  This really insuffurable mess in the front yelled three times until Ant told her that her time was over, it was his time.  She then tried to talk to him as he was walking off, saying, “I helped you out!”  No you didn’t.  If you want to help, wear all black and go jogging on the freeway in an hour.

Even worse was this loud idiot to my left.  She decided to repeat whatever was said on stage.  Comic: “I don’t like bill collectors, man.”  Idiot: “Oh shit!  I don’t like bill collectors either!”  Comic: “That guy was a super douche.”  Idiot: “Oh shit!  She said super douche!”  After 45 minutes of this, I thanked God I haven’t got my conceal and carry yet.  I really do hate most people and sadly, I wasn’t even performing…