Month: April 2011

I am going back to my old fraternity house this weekend for an alumni clean up day.  One of the stipulations put down by the Politburo/college admins is that we can’t have any alcohol.  In fact, bottles are banned in general and the six-pack max is stricly enforced…on alumni.  I went to an alumni event a couple years ago and they told us we couldn’t be outside.  On the back deck.  Attached to the house.  Look up the word “draconian” for reference.  That said, my generation of miscreants may have helped speed this police state mentality up a bit.  When I was there, we routinely tossed bottles at a rival frat house next door.  Why?  I say, “Why not?”  One time I walked out and my brothers chucked about 40 bottles into their bottom hall door area.  As we walked back in, one lone bottle flew back and hit our house.  My very roid rage friend who was 5’4″ and 255 pure muscle (so musclebound he wiped between his legs due to limb length vs. upper body mass issues) said, “No one tosses bottles at our house!”  He ran next door immediately.  My buddy said, “Should we help him?”  “No, I think he’s got it under control.”  The next five minutes were filled with screams, noises of stuff getting kicked, and general chaos.  My angry friend emerged, followed by two guys carrying cases of beer, the sacrifice offering of peace to appease the gods.  They set the beer at our feet and Rage Boy immediately dumped one out and fired the bottle back at the opposing frat house over the heads of two very dejected young men, who were out of beer and pride.  This was on a Saturday at about five p.m. and absolutely nothing about this surprised me.  I am friends with a lot guys from that fraternity, but I think they were secretly planning on setting fire to our house, which coincidentally, I saw a guy do to their house bathroom with liquid cintronella and paper towels.  College – building the leaders of tomorrow.  Sometime I’ll tell you all about the guy that used to get naked and hide behind the pop machine to jump out at students going to dinner (no, unfortunately, not me) or the time I ran from the cops in my boxers barefoot through the woods b/c my “friends” tried to hijack a bulldozer.

I emceed and closed the first round of the Columbus Funny Bone’s “Open Mike Talent Search, 2011” last night.  44 total comics competing for the chance to win, I had 12 tonight on the lineup.  Of those, three were brand new.  One of the newbs asked me before the show “Who do I have to talk to get paid work around here?”  Good question!  He got bounced.  Maybe make it past the first round.  That helps.  Another ran his set by me.  This enrages me to the nth degree.  I’m the emcee, I’ll see your whole set, stupid.  At least let it be fresh and new for five minutes.  For my sake.  Advice for new comics – if you want to win…try stand up BEFORE the contest.  I did comedy for almost a year before entering and I was still a wreck.  Also, comedy clubs are a business.  If you bring no one and don’t set the stage on fire…you’re probably getting bumped for the dullard that brought 45 people, no matter what.  It’s a business.  Your jokes < 45 sold tickets and 200+ sold drinks.  The last point is that I know great comics that have never won a competition and I have won three.  Winning Tulsa’s “Funniest Joke Man” doesn’t mean HBO and Comedy Central are knife fighting like the Jets and the Sharks to host your next five minute special.  NO!  I want to sell ad space for 25 minutes!  This guy is a 300 second prodigy!

I did a “booked” open mike Sunday night.  It was not the first time I’ve done the room, so I decided to mix it up with some fresh new material.  I bombed pretty badly.  I didn’t practice, I did a couple hack premises, and had no punchline to one joke at all.  I think it’s good to really eat it as a comic every once in a while, after all, weakness is for the weak.  That being said, if I have two more shows like that this week, I may jump off a building.

Thanks to the recent facebook trend of “30 songs in 30 days” people have to pick their least favorite song.  I was at a party and a majority of the room all picked “Hollaback Girl” by Gwen Stefani.  I hate this song more than than any other song of all time.  Its suckiness is beyond my grasp of the English language.   I began a short tirade by telling the room that the reason I hate that song, is that it is geared purely towards 13 year old girls, but was released as a legitimate recording.  I then said, “Look at other awful songs, like “Barbie Girl” by Aqua.  That song sucks, but at least it was released as a moronic dance song, meant purely for short term entertainment and stupid fun.  It is as advertised.”  Sitting to my immediate left was a girl I had never met before.  She then told me she traveled the world as a writer and lecturer on the topic of post-modern feminism.  Or something like that, I wasn’t listening b/c she’s a woman, right?  (Sexism!)  She then went on her own diatribe about how that song was so degrading towards women for about a minute, mentioning also that she had actually given speeches referencing that song.  Now I was in the unenviable position of defending “Barbie Girl” to the group.  I told her she put way too much thought into the very dumb song, but she was adamant that this song, which has made several “Worst song ever” lists in Rolling Stone and several TV shows.  This went on for five minutes and I felt my soul leaving my body.  Stonings in the Middle East?  Nah.  Differences in pay for women?  Not so much.  “Barbie Girl” by Aqua?  BURN OUR BRAS!  HELL NO, WE WON’T GO!  God, I will never understand feminism.

I haven’t paid to see a show in three years other than contests supporting my buddies.  That changes when I go to see one of my favorite comics tonight, Jim Norton.  He is vile and witty and will talk about literally anything.  I got satellite radio just b/c I love Opie and Anthony and he is a cog of that fantastic mess.  Tonight, I get to go and see how little I have accomplished, feel horrible about where I am in comedy, and laugh at inappropriate humor.  I just hope he doesn’t recall the email I sent him after way too many beers begging him to let me open for him in Pittsburgh.  No good emails or texts or voice mails come after midnight.  They’re either regarding death, a fire(usually with bonus death), unwanted sexual advances (worse than death), or for me – begging someone way above you to mericfully toss you dog bones/comedy gigs as they begin to file a restraining order against you just in case.

My aunt was recognized last night by the Ohio Foundation of Independent Colleges as the 2011 Volunteer of the Year, proving yet again the value of Coens to the world.  I heard a lot of speeches from dignitaries about their experiences in college and the advantages of a liberal arts education.  They also waxed philisophically on their decisions to attend their respective institutions.  Maybe I am way different, but college wasn’t really some life changer for me like that.  I went to Muskingum College (now University) b/c I got a full ride (yes, I’m a genius) and my Dad told me if I turned it down he would use the Ranger chokehold he learned in the Army on me if I didn’t.  I even delusionally played a year of football as a 201 lb. offensive lineman, even though at that point I was smoking half of pack a day and had as much chance of seeing the field as Sean Astin had of suiting up for Notre Dame (in the 70’s, now who knows?).  I heard stories tonight like “I remember walking the lake at (said college) with my future wife.”  My college stories were more like, “One time I put on a mini skirt for $12 and walked through New Concord.  Then I mooned a cop.”  I hated school and almost transferred until I joined a fraternity and started drinking like most people breathe.  In all fairness, I drank like that before I pledged, but I went home every other weekend to party in my buddy’s abandoned trailer w/ no heat outside of Zanesville.  I was awarded the XXX award (Tri Chi, not dirty) which went to the pledge who was the craziest young punk in the class for streaking a sorority and in general being a psychopath.  I would parlay this experience in real life by not adjusting to responsibility and having several run-ins with many police officers and authority figures.  I did get some great stories, however, and thanks to Justin Camp, my roommate of three years, eventually got into stand up.  Thanks college.