I am not tech saavy. That said, I loathe tech morons. We’ve all worked with someone very recently that couldn’t use a fax machine. I had a job where this knuckle dragger asked me how it worked. “Put the paper in, then dial the number like a phone.” His response? “Do I have to dial the parenthesis?” I offered to transfer someone to a voice mail since they were in another state. He asked if I would instead pass on a message. I told him that was what this magical new invention called voice mail was specifically built for! Sarcasm is lost on the stupid. My favorite was a customer that complained about being billed for fuel when I worked at a truck rental facility. She went 300 miles and put five gallons back into the 24’long 25500 lb. diesel moving truck. She wanted a refund and I said I was calling her a liar. I did no such thing. I called her a dipshit.
Paid focus group studies
I did one last night for the first time in a while. When I was short on cash, I did them a lot. The prequalifying is the most annoying by far. They ask 40 questions then ask your name and number and address, etc. at the end. You called me from a database. Didn’t you have that, you know, WHEN YOU LOOKED UP MY INFO (I’m serious, b/c I used all caps). My other issue is when at the end, they say – “Thanks!” “When do I get paid?” “Oh, this was just a survey, unpaid.” “I hope you die!” Click. That said, it pays about the same as comedy. Maybe I should put these on my schedule. Come hear the hilarious Chris Coen riff about fast food, SNUS, and corporate advertising, this Tuesday, live!
Truthfulness
I had to get a paper notarized today for the condo and the notary asked to me raise my right hand and swear, to my knowledge, the info in the paper was accurate. I have been lied to a lot. I didn’t know all I needed was this voodoo truth method. I then later in the day gave blood. They asked me questions like “Have you, since 1977, slept with a male?” and “Have you been to Africa?” Apparently these two questions are in the same blood disease sphere. Then they test the blood. Why the questions then? Do a lot of people have diabolical schemes to sneak into the American Red Cross, slip past the lie detectors and medical scans, just to pour disease into the populace? Here’s my advice. Assume everyone is lying and you won’t be disappointed.
The ol’ going away show
Tonight my pal Cole Downs did his last show in Columbus before he moves to the Big Apple. Hopefully, for Columbus’s sake, it is indeed his last show (BURN!) It was fun, but this table of cows talked the entire time throughout the show, doing their best to stomp on a semi-emotional moment. I don’t have human emotions, so I am assuming it was emotional. As host Jeff Burgstrom pointed out, the only time they laughed (and it was a good show) was at a cup of straws. I sure hope they didn’t wreck on the way home…(I hope they wrecked). It was good and Cole did 20 minutes fun was had by all except the unsexables at the straw cup table. I just hated when there were a lot of man hugging at the end. I don’t even like shaking hands or the ol’ shoulder slap. Human contact bothers me. I was not nipple fed and this should be pretty obvious. Good luck, Cole! Don’t be homeless and for God’s sake, don’t try to hug me when you leave. I will shoot you.
Comedy Revolver
I did a show called the Comedy Revolver where five comics got together onstage and one did jokes while the other four made funny quips/insults at will. It was the most fun I’ve had since the Halloween show where we went as other local comics. Highlights from the show – Travis Hoewischer called me the second most famous person from Zanesville. That is like being the second fly on a dog turd. Jeff Burgstrom and I went into way too depth about the intricacies of DUI’s…moving on. Anthony O’Connell called Cole Downs and I his best friends, to which I replied, “I don’t have friends, I have people I hate less.” This sadly got a huge laugh, which sadly, I loved. Check out wildgoosecreative.com for the whole lineup the rest of the week – nice mix of standup and sketch.