Month: April 2011

The top enemies of comedians are drunk single dudes who think they’re funny and blurt out stupid unfunny comments all show…and girls under 25.  This of course extends to bachelorette parties, the bane of a good show (See Coen vs. Drunk Chick on my site for an example).  Last night there were three attractive young white chicks who yelled out shit all night which I heard as “LOOK AT ME!  I’M YOUNG AND HOT!”  Yuck.  Of course, this was exacerbated by the comics kissing their ass b/c comics never get any and are desperate for any attention.  I ignored them wholly until one yelled out during my closer about dirty talk.  I said women are way better at dirty talk and she screamed.  I obviously called her a whore and it bounced off her annoying social armor, b/c she was recognized, making her night.  I can’t deal with people impervious to insults.  It is my weakness.  That, and tickling.  I hate being tickled, but that is for another blog.  I HAVE FACEBOOK!  I’M IMPORTANT!  Thank God I’m not 24 anymore, I can’t deal with that shit.

I was on yahoo and they had a video story about bald eaglets hatching, which I watched, because bald eagles love freedom and liberty.  I committed a grave error b/c I scrolled down and saw the stupid comments pouring onto the page.  One dude put “God wanted millions of these eagles in the sky, not airplanes.”  Is that in Acts or John 3?  “Then sayeth the Lord; Eagles = good, flying machines of metal = bad.  Don’t worry, you’ll find out what I’m talking about in 1903.  Keep it real.”  Look dummy, if God didn’t want man to fly around he wouldn’t have let man create America, where we invent everything from planes to nuclear bombs.  Rock n’ roll?  Check.  Sandwiches w/out that annoying bread getting in the way?  That’s us.  Hippies?  Alright, we screw up sometimes.  Try this experiment – go to a political or religious story and scroll down to the comments.  Within four comments you will find someone on the other side that you hate and someone on YOUR side that makes you embarrassed to agree with them.

They have added an “Ice Cold Easy Indicator” to my Busch Light cans.  This is the beer equivalent of putting spinners on a Geo Metro.  I buy 30 at a time, clearly the coldness is purely a bonus.  “How dare you serve this delicious mass-produced domestic light beer to me at 48 degrees or more?  I propose a duel!”  You had me from hello, Busch Light, you had me from hello.

Here’s my best man speech that I alluded to a few days ago…  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=meKdZUZIkEs

1. Going to the grocery store after the first of the month and getting stuck behind welfare white trash buying 32 12 packs of Pepsi in the self checkout line.  15 items doesn’t mean you can buy 30 sticks of beef jerky, loser.  2. Wal Mart.  No other explanation needed, see number one.  3. People who make statements and use horrible logic to justify their opinions – example: I was at a party and this guy said “How could anyone be pro-life?”  I said, “Some people have moral problems with abortion.”  His reply?  “Well everyone knows poor people have abortions and poor people just rape and rob people when they get older.  Do you want your wife to get raped?”  Thanks for the debate, Henry Clay.  4. People that hate you for what team you like b/c their team sucks.  My Dad was born outside Pittsburgh.  Sorry, Bengals fan – I like the team my Dad likes.  I didn’t put Jesus on the cross.  5. Hippies.  Your drum circle isn’t stopping the war, douchebags.  6. Guy who calls me a queer for drinking Bud Select when he has a Bud Light in his hand.  Really?  7. People who text you immediately after you hang up the phone.  I’m farsighted and driving.  Let me read your text and slam into the median at 70 mph.  I’m sure it’s important, since you didn’t mention it in our 20 minute conversation.  8. People that invite me to crap on Facebook…in other states.  Sure, I’ll be at your fundraiser for breast cancer in North Carolina or your art show in New Mexico next Tuesday.  I don’t have anything to do that week.  9. Comedy shows with no mike.  “Did you bring one?”  Of course, moron.  I carry a full speaker system in my Malibu.  Should I pull out my drum set too?  Jackass.  10. Lady Gaga.  “I’m so different and an outcast just like you!”  Shut up, millionaire.  I hate you.  11. Politicians.  Shove your talking points up your ass.  12. My iPod earbuds.  I lost the rubber on one, so it randomly shocks my ear.  I know that piece costs 2 cents, but I have to buy new earbuds or deal with it until I snap.  Feel free to comment on this one, I need more material for blogs…

I have added a “Links” page to the site for other comics’ websites.  Feel free to check them out, but only after you have read every blog and watched every video on my site.  Also, I am not responsible if these sites are not quite as funny as mine, but they did pay me millions of dollars, so I added them and will continue to add sites for under the table payments.