Month: April 2011

I did a show tonight at the South Campus Gateway outside OSU tonight.  It was about 50 degrees, misty rain and a cold wind blew the whole night.  Yet, as I gazed out to the groups of ladies, they refused to let the weather deny their street walker-esque outfits.  I saw a girl that could have stood to have lost a few dozen lbs. wearing a half shirt and a skirt so tight her legs were probably tingling.  Good dedication.  Snooki would have been proud.  I am old enough to remember when body suits were the rage.  Any chick in seventh grade with boobs was instantly hot if she was rocking a skin tight body suit.  Ah yes, early 90’s hotness.  Don’t cover up those B cups with the silk vest, baby.  Let your body shine!  (If anyone knows that song, you get bonus points from me – BBD 4 life playaz!)

South Park fired back up tonight, starting year 15.  It is the greatest show in history of TV.  Why?  They bash anything and everything with no reservations.  When a Dane (from Denmark stupid) drew Mohammed and was killed by extremists, they did a series about Mohammed.  Balls.  They destroy celebrities, both political parties, do-gooders, and exploit every stereotype and assumption.  My favorite example was when Isaac Hayes, who voiced “Chef” after several years of picking on everyone, objected to an episode making fun of Scientology.  He quit.  Their response?  They turned Chef into a child molester and used old voice recordings to reinforce their point.  Good work Matt and Trey.  I hate people that are offended, but even more, I hate people that laugh at everything – but one thing.  “I love when you do racist jokes, but God forbid you touch Buddhism.”  In fairness, everyone has one point of contention with humor.  For me?  Anti-Americans.  Burn a flag or say 9/11 was an inside job and I will beat your candy ass.

I went to watch some pals tonight in a comedy contest.  It was the newbs that brought some chuckles to me, for the wrong reasons.  The first guy had never done comedy before and did about 2 and half minutes of a 5 minute set.  He probably said “fuck” or a version thereof at least 35 times.  Mistake, especially for a sober crowd.  Another comic did a joke about a man consumating (with?) a horse.  Mistake, almost always (I leave the possibility that somehow people would laugh at that in a normal comedy club).  The other new guy did jokes and then said he wanted to vote for Obama b/c the country was going great right now.  While you’re at it, do some pro James Buchanan bits and fyi, wait until gas is under $3/gallon, unemployment is under 9%, and we’re not in three wars…just a thought.  I HATE political humor.  If I have to hear a George Bush is stupid, Bill Clinton got a blow job, or fill in the blank joke again, it’s too soon.  That’s what Jay Leno, Jon Stewart and every other late night hosts are for.  It’s usually pretty far past the point when stand-ups do political humor.  What’s next?  A timely Charlie Sheen joke about “WINNING?”  How about a Tiger Woods sex joke or another relevant joke about Lance Armstrong’s ball cancer?  Hey, did you guys hear that Mel Gibson hates Jews?  Let me drop this gem on you…

Just watched The King’s Speech, good movie.  I am completely fixated, however, on the abdication of George VI’s brother Edward.  The King of England really hasn’t had to do much since the 1800’s anyway.  “What’s on the schedule, Jeeves?”  (All servants are named Jeeves, it’s a fact)  Well Sir, today you play polo and meet the King of Siam.  “What about this Hitler deal?”  Churchill’s on it, your Majesty.  “Oh God, that bloody sucks, I can’t handle the stress.  I quit.”  Plus that chick he married was a skeezer.  She was still married and possible nailed Joachim von Ribbentrop.  Everyone knows that dude got around.

My Grandma loves cheesy gifts.  I once got, as a birthday present, a pirate head that spit water when you walked past it.  If it makes noise and is made of plastic, my Grandma is on it.  Apparently this has passed on to my Mom, b/c yesterday she got me a chicken that you fill with gumballs, wind it up, and watch it hobble around and lay the gumballs as eggs.  Somewhere in a third world country the locals have a shrine or statue of my Grandma (and maybe soon, my mother) that they bow to as the great benefactor.

I have a show Saturday in Sugar Grove, Ohio, a town outside of a town of about 8000 people.  Small town shows are good for me, b/c I’m white trash, so I and the crowd relate to one another.  Plus, you’re usually up against McDougal’s dart tourney or a fish fry at the local VFW so the turnout is decent, despite the fact they spelled my name wrong on the “flyer”, which is a neon yellow piece of paper.  The downside is I usually end up talking to the town drunk after the show who is either going to say something extremely racist, homophobic, or equally as bad for me, bounce truck stop humor off me endlessly until his insatiable lust for another shot of George Dickel whiskey allows me to slip out to my car.  I also get hit on by a drunken woman who is dangerously close to retirement age while her biker boyfriend stares me down, as if I’m actually going to follow through with his upper 50’s great-grandma girlfriend.  No need to stir, Hoggy, I’m somehow going to resist the siren’s call of your mullet haired beauty and her sexy mom jeans.  Now someone buy a t-shirt so I can feel better about my set tonight.