CHRIS COEN

One of the tasks for a wedding is selecting a DJ.  A DJ can set the mood for any fun event.  The requirements are knowledge of popular music, an outgoing personality, and a little bit of tech savvy.  I have none of those things and here’s more explanation.

Knowledge of popular music.  I know who Katy Perry and Lady Gaga are.  I also know I’d rather get kicked in face than listen to their music.  That’s sad, because they are probably 10 times the singers that most pop stars are.  I’m the type of person that thinks the golden age of pop was when hair metal made the top 40.  Hair metal ballads are the closest thing to pop I’ve got in my iPod and I have to be in a really odd mood to listen to that.  Try working out to I Remember You by Skid Row.  I dare you.

Outgoing personality.  I don’t drink blood, but I’ll bet my old neighbors suspected me of being a nosferatu.  I usually only came out of night, wore black and could be repelled with crucifixes and garlic breath.  I’m in sales and use up all my friendly at work.  I act like this when strangers approach me after hours.

Tech savvy.  It took me five minutes to figure out how to turn on the mike the first time I hosted a show.  I didn’t have the internet until 2007 and didn’t get a smartphone until I bought a used one in 2012.  I do have several platinum trophies on PS3, which means I can’t program computers, but I can play video games until my fingers bleed.

That said, if you want a DJ that plays Machine Head, Jamey Johnson and Anthrax, refuses all requests and insults your party, I’m your Huckleberry.

I pay my car insurance every six months.  It’s a nice, “Oh shit, I guess I’m not eating this week” surprise.  I noticed my rate went up, which was weird, since I haven’t run anyone over for at least a year.  I asked, so they checked for discounts.  “Have you graduated college?”  Yes.  “Great, you get a discount!”  Hmm.  What about the nine years previous to this?  “Umm.  I’m sorry.  No.”  Of course, why would I get the money back for something no one asked me for nine years that I never should have paid?  There was silence.  “You haven’t got a ticket in a while, good job driving!”  Thanks for the compliment, you know what’s better than that?  MONEY.

Oh well, I’ll survive.  I then asked if I could get any other magic discounts and there was one.  All I had to do was agree to put a monitoring device in my car.  It would measure how hard I braked, what time of day I drove, and how fast I traveled.  In other words, if I allowed my insurance company to steal my soul and snoop in my biznaz, I could have some lunch money.  Next thing you know, they’ll start asking invasive bs like “Do you drink and drive?” or “Why are those construction cones stuck in your grill?”  Mind your beeswax, evil corporate scumbags!

Well, I know everyone reading this will be wracked with despair, but my field 4 softball team is hanging it up after this year.  I think even the guys that cared don’t care anymore.  I started thinking about the differences.

25 – Team yells at ump and each other often.  35 – Will that call or error get us to the bar faster?  25 – Beat out throws to first.  35 – Tear hamstring, get thrown out anyways.  25 – Females come to games.  35 – Females no longer come to games because 1) They’ve probably seen us play and 2) Now they’re married to the team member, so they don’t have to act interested in seeing their man pop out to the pitcher three times.  25 – Team sneaks beer into parking lot, gets harassed by cops.  35 – Team sees competition drinking, calls cops and gets their best player arrested.  25 – Team closes out bar, first one to leave after two hours of drinking gets called a pussy.  35 – No stays after 90 minutes unless the credit card swiper is broken, thus delaying exit.  25 – Team vows to practice harder and be ready for next season.  35 – Team thinks about going to a batting cage, but is too busy doing anything else at all.

My soon to be in laws were in town this weekend and I went to the park downtown.  They had an obstacle course, which was pretty cool, other than the fact I saw a redneck wearing jeans and no shirt trying to do it while smoking.  Amazingly, this guy will probably have ten children and contribute to the decline of the human race.

I was near the rope ladder when I noticed a four year old boy attempting to climb the 20 feet.  “I’m scared!”  I approached quickly.  Then he said, “Am I scared?”  I scanned the area – not one adult, including me.  “Where’s your dad, kid?”  “My mommy and dad don’t live together.”  “Where’s your mom, then?”  “I don’t know.”  Well, I think I know why dad left now.  In fairness, he probably lives in a big house with guards and fences.  “Let me get you down before you fall (and I get blamed).  Now let’s find your mom before you climb.”  Thankfully, his mom was about 100 feet away…talking to the shirtless redneck guy.  My new pal ran over to her and all was well, not that she seemed to care.  I have five bucks on this rugrat stealing  a car by 2026.

One of the big stories on social media last week was a guy using the website Kickstarter to get money to make potato salad.  Kickstarter is a site where people can fund ideas for creative ideas.  Potato salad is not a creative idea.  I guess that’s why it was a big story.  I figured I would come up with some ideas.

What’s the problem with La-Z-Boy chairs?  If they were truly lazy, there would be a toilet in them!  That’s why I want a recliner chair with a pee hose and crapper.  Unfortunately, I don’t understand plumbing, so it will be a chair with a hole and a bucket.  You’ll have to sit by a window also, preferably a window next to a property line of a neighbor you don’t like, so when…you probably figured it out.

My diet is tough right now, because I have tried to give up a lot of foods and drinks.  Example – I like mayo.  I like alcohol.  I have to drop one…or do I?  Mayonnaise colodas!  Nothing says summer beach meets cookout like a mayo cocktail.  Coming soon!  Oh and use a lot of ice, hot mayo is a mess.

Lastly, I have a idea for an energy drink.  It’s basically a pop, but when you get to the bottom, it says you just drank rat poison.  In a frenzy, you then get some shit done, as you suspect your death is minutes away.  I’ll have to have the legal team look into that one, sounds like there may be a hiccup getting that to market.

 

In high school, I was in pretty good shape.  I also wore black athletic socks with sandals and had a high and tight haircut with a middle part, so I don’t look too fondly on those days.  I went to play college football and desperately wanted to get to 200 lbs. for the program, since I played offensive line for a hillbilly school at 184 lbs.  Luckily, I started drinking MGD and Icehouse that summer, so boom, I put the weight on pretty fast.  That and the dollar Whopper craze of 1997.  Damn you, Burger King.  It wasn’t muscle, but it did the trick for the program.

I went to college and found out that you could eat as much as you want for three meals a day.  Combined with the previous paragraph, I jumped the shark and was a greasy haired, barrel assed mess.  I remember walking to the shower and seeing this abnormality protruding from my torso – oh my God, I was a fatty.

I went on the perfect diet that next summer.  Here’s how it worked – Be young and unable to cook.  Then be poor.  I ate plain toast for breakfast, turkey sandwiches for lunch, and an egg and a can of corn for supper.  I lost about 30 lbs.

Now it is diet time again.  Funny thing, I eat pretty well, work out, etc.  The problem is that amazingly, my body is not co-operating.  It appears that as I get older, it is harder to lose weight!  I should write a book, I think I’m on to something.  I have just started, so we’ll see what works, but I have noticed one immediate change.  As I pick out healthier foods, my desire to eat is reduced pretty severely.  Off to a good start!