CHRIS COEN

At my Monday open mike, a comic relayed a tale about how a lady told him he reminded her of Dane Cook.  One of the weirdest things about performing is people sometimes feel obligated to tell you how well you did, then how you should change your whole act.  It’s made even weirder since anyone that likes something generally doesn’t follow it with a backhanded insult.  “I love your house!  It’s so nice!  It’s perfect…except all your decorating, room layout, floors…you know, the whole damn house.”

I’ve been compared to Steven Wright, Dane Cook, Ron White, local open mikers and even David Hasselhoff.  My favorite of all time though was after a small town show.  A woman came up very excited with her husband as I was peddling my wares.  “You were hilarious!  That was great!  My only advice is you should watch Jeff Dunham.  If you did that, oh man you would be awesome!”  One problem.  Jeff Dunham is a ventriloquist comedian.  In other words, be funny, but learn how to throw your voice, buy a bunch of dummies, steal his material and change every damn thing and you’ve got it!  I wonder if that lady sees a public speaker and tells them they’re awesome, but they can’t quite pump up a crowd like Hitler.  “You’re great at talking about marketing, but you need more arm thrusts, fist clinching and sprinkle in some anti-Semitism!”  Thanks, worst complimenter ever!

I watched a lot of football this weekend, so I learned a lot from beer commercials.  Like for example, if you drink a light beer, you are a young party animal.  If it’s not light, you are a blue collar hard working man, probably enjoying a beer on your ranch.

Bud Light – If you drink this, you party ALL THE TIME.  You go to concerts four nights a week, no matter where you live.  This is even more amazing since you play softball, are in a pool league, and hang out with work buddies.  It’s a fact, if you crack a Bud Light, 14 people will walk into your house and start fist pumping or your money back.

Michelob Ultra – If you imbibe a Mic Ultra you are a workout beast.  You like to run shirtless (or in a sports bra) in a city on your lunch break with someone of the opposite sex.  After your six mile run, you pound an Ultra then go back to work?  Hopefully you work with the Bud Light people, they called off and won’t care.

Coors Original – You hang out in a bar that was handcrafted by a lumberjack on the side of a mountain.  You drink fresh mountain water when you’re not drinking beer and your best friends are a grizzly bear and a bald eagle.

Miller Lite – You tell everyone at the bar how your beer was the first light beer, it’s less filling and it tastes great.  Then you realize no one is sitting next to you because you’ve been repeating yourself for 30 f’n years.

Budweiser – Oh wait, this a Chevy commercial.  It’s exactly the same, but with no beer.  Cowboys, horses and freedom.  America.

One question I get from time to time is “How do you come up with blog topics?”  Actually maybe three times ever, but here’s how my process works.  Or doesn’t work, but then why are you reading if you think this sucks?  My goal is come up with something for people to read during a bowel movement at work.

Shows are the easiest topic to blog about, as long as something weird or funny happens.  Example – at my Monday open mike, a fairly newer comic asked the men in the crowd if they ever used a tampon to make their bootyhole (one word or two?) smell better, then seamlessly followed up that joke with a Dr. Who joke.  I could do a blog on how to segue, but that example trumps everything else.

My backup is to pick a news topic, like Scottish Independence (already mentioned it), Ebola (not much tee hee there) or hope a celebrity does or says something ridiculous.   The problem with the last possible topic is that I generally hate high school drop outs making sweeping societal assessments, so I get pissed and then can’t make it funny.  There are days I hope Lindsay Lohan falls off the wagon when I am struggling for a subject.  Atta girl, Lindasy, atta girl.

Then there’s always grabbing something out my own life, but if I blogged about ,PlayStation, jogging or what I had for lunch every other day, I think even my mom would quit reading.  When all else fails, I do a blog about how I blog and hope it’s 2% funny, which is why I did this, because I have absolutely nothing else.  Thanks for reading, now flush, wash your hands and get back to work.

Maybe I listen to too much sports radio, but it seems like this is biggest story in America right now.  Two sides dig in and prepare for trench warfare.  The first are the “beat ’em senseless, it’s good for ’em” crowd that acts like as long as they don’t bruise, have at it.  “Use a sack of oranges, that’l learn ’em!”  The others are the people that act like if you correct a child at all, you’re kid Hitler and they’ll be in therapy for 27 years.  “Then I wasn’t allowed a cookie before dinner!”  “OH MY GOD!  BREAK THE CYCLE OF VIOLENCE!  Have some happy pills.”

There is truly only one correct assessment of this situation.  I heard a caller to a show say, “How can you hit a child?  How can you lay hands on the life you created?”  Another then called and said no discipline leads to entitlement and a life of lawlessness.  I have the answer.  I’ll beat your kids for you.  It’s tough work, but someone has to do it.

If I need motivation, I’ll just dive into the memory bank and think of the white trash mom at Revco who was letting her kids play with all the crappy drug store toys when I was a stock boy.  They were throwing the over-priced plastic at each other and knocking everything off the shelves.  It got so bad I was called to clean the aisle.  I cleared my throat and began restocking the shelves.  The kids thought it was funny, so they started knocking more off the shelves.  The woman looked at me with disdain, like I was interrupting her kids’ trip to Disneyland.  It was at that moment I realized my true purpose in life.  You’re welcome, America.  Now where’s my sack of oranges?

Adrian Peterson’s abuse charges have set off the age old debate on whether you should spank your kids or not, which will spark a wave of “I was raised (with/without) spanking and I turned out fine!”  Runner-up will be “Kids these days (need/don’t need) spanking and here’s why!”  Let’s face it, there’s only one correct answer – we should beat more adults.

Scotland may vote soon to break from the United Kingdom.  I say if they want it, they have to take it old school wearing blue paint and carrying five foot long swords.  Mel Gibson would probably help if you told him Britain was full of Jews.

ISIS has beheaded yet another person on camera.  Whatever acronym they use, I think it translates into “We all have small dicks and like getting hit with missile strikes.”

Ebola is the next disease we are supposed to collectively crap our pants over – until nothing happens, then it will be replaced when the media realizes no one is scared of it anymore (SARS, swine flu, bird flu, West Nile, Ebola the first three times, Staph infections, etc.)

Hillary Clinton is obviously running for president in two years, but will not officially announce yet.  The trend lately seems to be, vote the opposite from last time, then run as the anti-Washington candidate.  In other words, the Republicans will win this year big, just like in 2010.  The Democrats won handily in 2012 and 2008, so it should be their turn in 2016.  Americans will figure this pattern out and demand a third party finally somewhere around 2348, 280 years after the country has collapsed from within.  Or the Hall of Presidents at Disney will become self aware and start a robot dictatorship that lasts centuries.  That’s probably more likely.

 

Stream of consciousness from Steelers vs. Ravens –

Thankfully the NFL network quit showing the games so I can watch at home.  BW3 revenues are down across the city.

What exactly is a defenseless receiver?  Aren’t they always defenseless?  Next year they’ll have to pillow fight to knock the ball loose.  If I was dead, I’d be rolling in my grave!

My comedy buddy Jake Iannarino and Ravens QB Joe Flacco look alike…in the face.  If you see an athletic 6’6″ comic, take a pic.  Most comics have more physical flaws than a circus freak show.

Sports announcer may be the easiest job ever.  You read stats and act like no one else saw them flash across the screen.  I couldn’t do it though – I can’t talk for 3 minutes without cursing.

If the Steelers pass rush was a Halloween character, it would be Strawberry Shortcake.  Lame.

I hate the Ravens’ logo.  It has 14 colors and looks like a European flag.  This is America!

Can the announcers stop saying Baltimore had to bounce back from Ray Rice?  He was suspended for this game before being cut, they have three other backs, and no one is crying for him.  They’re not brave, they’re playing football.

Well, it’s a blowout.  Luckily, I have beer to get through this blowout and the horrible fall TV previews.  Scorpion and Madam Secretary?  Clear my schedule!