Breaking news – September ’14

Adrian Peterson’s abuse charges have set off the age old debate on whether you should spank your kids or not, which will spark a wave of “I was raised (with/without) spanking and I turned out fine!”  Runner-up will be “Kids these days (need/don’t need) spanking and here’s why!”  Let’s face it, there’s only one correct answer – we should beat more adults.

Scotland may vote soon to break from the United Kingdom.  I say if they want it, they have to take it old school wearing blue paint and carrying five foot long swords.  Mel Gibson would probably help if you told him Britain was full of Jews.

ISIS has beheaded yet another person on camera.  Whatever acronym they use, I think it translates into “We all have small dicks and like getting hit with missile strikes.”

Ebola is the next disease we are supposed to collectively crap our pants over – until nothing happens, then it will be replaced when the media realizes no one is scared of it anymore (SARS, swine flu, bird flu, West Nile, Ebola the first three times, Staph infections, etc.)

Hillary Clinton is obviously running for president in two years, but will not officially announce yet.  The trend lately seems to be, vote the opposite from last time, then run as the anti-Washington candidate.  In other words, the Republicans will win this year big, just like in 2010.  The Democrats won handily in 2012 and 2008, so it should be their turn in 2016.  Americans will figure this pattern out and demand a third party finally somewhere around 2348, 280 years after the country has collapsed from within.  Or the Hall of Presidents at Disney will become self aware and start a robot dictatorship that lasts centuries.  That’s probably more likely.