CHRIS COEN

One question that gets tossed around by newer comics is “How much time can you do?”  There are two questions back to that.  1) How much are they paying me? and 2) Do I have to be funny?  When I first started a guy told me he could over an hour.  I watched his set.  I had no doubt he was right, but I was willing to bet 57 minutes of it wouldn’t be worth watching.

Time is a very overrated aspect of comedy in that if you can’t kill for 10 minutes, why worry about a 45 minute set?  I had a new guy come to my open mic and tell me he was working on a 15 minute set.  Why?  I have no idea.  He then did about three and a half minutes without the mic and walked off the stage.

It works the other way too – I’ve been ambushed by venues before into doing more time than agreed to, and stupidly, trying to be a hero, I agreed.  I can do a 45 minute set getting up out of bed, but anything longer than that and I need to prepare so I’m not just smashing material into a bag.  I went to show at a bar once and the headliner went to the wrong city.  Not wrong bar, wrong city.  I was told to carry the room.  I asked if I could have some time to prepare, since the show was starting in two minutes.  They were very generous, they started the show at 8:03 instead of 8.  The headliner showed up at 9:27.  I know, because I ran out of jokes at 9:06 and had to do very subpar crowd work for 21 minutes.  Thanks for showing up, dick.

The other time I got this thrown at me was at a really shitty hotel show.  I was told by the owner they expected a 2 and half hour show.  I told them that wasn’t in the itinerary and no drunks can pay attention that long, but he threw a fit.  Fine, whatever.  I did an hour as a feature act when the headliner asked me to share the burden so he didn’t get stuck with all the time they expected.  He then went up, did 43 minutes, got paid way more than me and off he skipped down the road.  Lesson learned again.

Last night I did the Half and Half Comedy Show, hosted by Kamari Stevens.  It’s a pretty good idea.  The comics do five minutes, then have to riff on topics that the crowd submits before the show.  Of course, when other comics are up, you see their topics and salivate over the possibilities , then you get up and draw a blank.

I actually tried this at my open mic a couple times, to mixed results.  It’s went well, but the first time I did it, the first three comedians went up and said “These topics suck!”  Then the crowd that put the ideas in got pissed.  Backfire.  Like clockwork, the next week I did the same thing.  I picked up the topics and took them up to the stage.  I flipped over the first one.  Topic?  “Shitty comedians.”  Well played, crowd, well played.

I was less than healthy this past weekend, so I crammed in a ton of movies.  Here’s some thoughts.

Terminator 2 – Man, I can really relate to this movie.  I worked in a steel mill for my summer job and I had to terminate robots 2-3 times a month.  It was ridiculous.  I was all, “How cause I half to kill dem robots?”  They was all, “You ain’t union, son!”  “Galdurn!”  My favorite moment, outside the machine guns and car chases though, was when they were at a gas station.  Sarah and John Connor was staring at these two kids with mullets shooting each other with toy guns.  “We’re not going to make it, are we?”, John asks the Terminator.  How perceptive, John.

The Cable Guy – Believe it or not, I’d never seen it.  It was entertaining, but surviving that fall at the end was more unbelievable than anything in the Terminator.

Unbroken – I enjoyed this new movie, but I knew exactly what was going to happen.  Don’t read bios before you watch bio films.  It’s a tough call, but I think I would take Japanese POW camp over being in a raft for over a month.  I hate the sea and I may be delusional, but I think I could take any land animal in a fight.  Sharks in the water?  No chance.  I would kick a shark’s ass in a barn or gym though.  The ocean stinks.  Plus you couldn’t wipe your ass with anything other than salt water.  I’d take the POW camp.

No, not boring and meaningless stuff like who won elections or natural disasters, a recap of chriscoencomedy.com, America’s favorite “What can I read in the bathroom at work?” website.  The results are in and my top three blogs this year were 3) http://chriscoencomedy.com/2014/celebrity-sighting-wrestling-stars/ from when I saw Virgil at a casino.  2) http://chriscoencomedy.com/2014/my-honeymoon-in-not-america/ and finally #1 – http://chriscoencomedy.com/2014/one-special-lady/, which coincidentally isn’t the first google search under that heading, it’s my Twitter page.  So I guess I’m one special lady, just like my wife.

2014 was a great year for me.  I got married (see above links and you may have figured that out) to an amazing woman, I started a corporation (not really, I’m renting my old place out) and I was able to do some great shows, including performing with Jim Breuer at the Rock on the Range in Columbus (also met Jim Florentine, a great comic and metal aficionado).  In 2015, I will updated the website to avoid some spam issues and hopefully add some more videos.  I get this request a lot, I guess it’s time, although I would rather rub salt in my eyes than record my set.  Stay tuned and make sure you have a DD for New Year’s tonight or pull my 1998 move and pass out behind a chair with a towel for a blanket.

A couple months ago I ran something to my wife at her job.  On the way out, a lady couldn’t start her car, so I offered to give her a jump.  I was surprised several weeks later when she sent a gift card to me for a nice restaurant.  Being nice to people can benefit me?  I may have to rethink my entire life…

This past weekend, I was leaving the ballet (yes, I’m very cultured also) when a family couldn’t start their brand new vehicle.  I messed around with it and tried to jump them, but to no avail.  My expert mechanical skills were on display.  “The jump didn’t work.  Hmmm.  Let me threaten your car with violence.  I’ll kick your ass, car!”  Surprisingly, it didn’t work either.  Time to call roadservice.

Despite my failure, the lady handed me a wad of cash.  I refused it, but she insisted.  I then got in the car and realized she gave me $60.  $60?  I’ll drag your damn car to Dayton for $60.  I think I’ll start hanging around parking lots looking for people who need jumped.  That didn’t sound right, by the way.  Oh well, it’s paying more than comedy.

One Christmas tradition when I was a kid was playing cards.  I watched for a couple years and decided to jump in.  In about five minutes, my great grandpa had taken my money.  I asked for it back.  “If you didn’t want to lose your money, you shouldn’t have gambled.”  It would be a better story if it actually stuck, but trust me, it didn’t.  Don’t go to Vegas the weekend you got your tax return back.

This year, I played Euchre against my granny in-law (I think that’s a thing – granny in law, that is, I know Euchre is a thing).  After six games, my wife and I managed about 16 points out of a possible 60.  Here’s some samples of what gam gam said during the massacre.  “What’s that card?  A heart or club?  I can’t see.  A heart?  Pick it up.”  Then they won all the tricks.  Can’t see the card my ass.  Another gem.  “I can’t believe we took that hand!  I only had a nine.”  Me – “You called it on a nine?”  I think if she offered me a butterscotch, it would have been drugged.  She must have met my great Grandpa back in the day and heard I was an easy mark.

The only logical conclusion is that all old people cheat at cards and probably everything in life.  The other conclusion is that if you don’t play Euchre, this is probably the worst blog you’ve ever read.  Sorry.