CHRIS COEN

Now that I’m still at home and have vacation I have to use for work, I’ve been struggling to come up with ideas on what to do. I have a rough draft though, maybe you can use this also. Or it’s terrible and I’m bored.

Bar night. Blare bad music from the late 90’s and early 2000’s on my large Budweiser speaker I won at a casino fundraiser while I stand in my kitchen muttering “This bar sucks” and pounding Bud Lights.

Take up a new hobby. I’ve actually pulled my guitar back out, but I am also considering voice work. Maybe I can read bedtime stories and record them for practice. My own book collection is limited to history and Edgar Allen Poe, so I maybe I should hold off.

Personal training videos. I’ve seen a lot of these. I’m not in amazing shape, so I’ll have to call mine, “Be less fat than you were!” or “You’re too old to be in shape, but this will keep it from getting worse!” It will be me running circles around the yard with my daughter or doing push-ups and cursing about how they used to be easier.

Write more jokes. My brain is so riddled with stay at home material, I have severe writer’s block. Right now writing about anything else is like writing about being in outer space. I’ve heard of other things than being home, but don’t really have a base to work from. I’m actually more likely to write outer space jokes right now, to be honest.

OnlyFans. I heard people are making dirty videos for money on some site called OnlyFans. My video will be me staring back at a camera asking why in hell you clicked on mine and insulting you until you pay me to shut up. Not very hot, but I’m sure someone’s into it.

I saw a post from a fellow comic Matt Kopache asking what steps can be taken after the stay at home is lifted to decrease the likelihood of spreading disease and increase safety. I never thought about this, but I have several ideas in this new world. I will trademark all these and sue you for a bulk pack of Clorox wipes if stolen.

No more handshakes. No fist bumps. No elbows. The only way to pass the mic now is a swift kick in the ass. Both ways, emcee gets booted walking away and returns the favor. This is the way.

No more handing the microphone off. The only acceptable way is to duct tape bullhorns on your face or install those hanging mics like they have in boxing and wrestling. I’m preferring the latter so I can remake Momma Said Knock You Out videos and work on my ring announcing if comedy goes away and gladiator fighting goes up in importance.

Highlander style, every comic must now fight to the death with swords. When you behead another comic, you absorb their power and material. There can be only one Highlander/stand-up. You can’t pass germs if there is no one left to give you germs! That said, a lot will die, but look, I didn’t start the Highlander thing, it’s been around for like thousands of years or whenever the first movie came out.

Give the crowd a fire hose full of hand sanitizer. If the comics stink, they get blasted early. If they are good, well…they still get blasted with Purell, but they get their full stage time.

They are actually TVs like Max Headroom. That means we have to employ a lot of tech people, so it jump starts the economy. Unless you have a studio in your house already, which means you aren’t a comic because all comics are poor.

Finally, comedy is replaced with interpretive dance and mimery. This is a last resort, as I hate to dance and also mimes in general, but studies have shown a mime and interpretive dance show has never had a bad Yelp review. There’s never been one before, so this is a technicality, but it’s science.

Everyone is an expert…by sharing someone else’s posts about the virus.

I really hope they find out what China really did because I don’t think I can handle another “I know a guy who knows a guy” post about what happened over there.

It took fourteen seconds to politicize the entire virus.

It took fifteen seconds to see people sharing bad information online. No, salt water doesn’t kill any virus by gargling it. I don’t know how medical personnel deal with these people.

It appears the stimulus bill that everyone was mad didn’t pass in two minutes is now being criticized by everyone for not being well thought out.

I can’t wait to see how long after going to back to work before some people complain about work.

There are two kinds of people: those that think we should mitigate and stay at home until 2025 and those that will lick a toilet seat to show how the virus is nuthin’. I hate to tell everyone, this virus is pretty serious and so is 22 million people out of work. Something in the middle of shuttering the entire country until collapse or overwhelming the medical system while the numbers are climbing or stable is probably the best route.

I don’t who makes policy on what is essential, but I can tell who is still getting paid and who isn’t by their thoughts what is and isn’t.

My hands are literal Brillo pads; I have no idea how medical personnel do what they do all the time.

My local grocery store did a great job changing their stores around, but I can tell you the fruit and vegetable section without a mask reminds me of a minefield. #taketurns #backoff

The take-out drinks rule in Ohio won’t last, but it should.

I don’t know how medical personnel deal with this stuff daily.

Since the new Facebook trend is sharing senior pictures with people who won’t see them, here’s something more helpful than that or the advice I got. I was walking to my car, preparing to go to a senior night party when some guy, probably upper 20’s yelled, “Congrats man! It all goes downhill from here!” Yay!

College visits – You may be missing out on college visits. I went to I think three or four. It involves you, as a 17-18 year old, knowing absolutely zero about what would be a good fit, sitting in an auditorium or walking around looking at God knows what. You then are supposed to process this info somehow and pick a place to live and learn for the next 4-5 years. The internet probably has made this irrelevant and a chunk of you will transfer; even more will change majors. Long story short, it’s a sanctioned skip school day. Enjoy.

Senior skip day – Well, you pretty much got unlimited of these now, but they don’t involve going to a field and drinking warm beer like mine since you can’t hang out with anyone. Maybe you can pull up an online class and then Zoom on your phones instead of listening. That sounds rebellious or something!

Sports – This is the one I feel bad for kids about the most. I ran track, in theory, to build speed for football, but I should have played baseball. Either way, 95% of you won’t play in college, so that really sucks. All the people freaking out about not being to go should realize the ones that got screwed were the players, not the fans. There’s this thing called video I think they could’ve used and finished the playoffs, but what do I know?

Graduation ceremony – Graduation ceremonies are long, usually hot as hell and generally stink. There are two parts that people remember, if at all. Giving speeches, if you get to and walking. There’s always some viral speech each year were some HS kid goes off which makes me cringe, but it’s a big experience for a lot of students that have never really had to publicly speak. There’s usually also some student that graduates by a small miracle and their family goes full blown hillbilly and screams like banshees. I have a feeling most of those people are used to making a scene in public, so you’re not really missing much from graduation.

Prom – This is another one that is a big deal to a lot of students. I think they should reschedule these, especially because most students probably already spent the money. Prom is half the dressing up and getting pictures and half the after parties. I went my junior year and won a TV with two buddies at afterprom, so we returned it and got some sweet cash, like $70 each. In high school money, $70 is like $500. I went back the next year and missed out on anything like that and by the time I got the afterparty, almost everyone was passed out. Of course, if you’re in a movie about prom, that is when you lose your virginity unless you’re the jerk character. The butthead character finally gets their comeuppance. 2020 is going to be the year of virgins and unfulfilled vengeance.

In summation, it sucks, but here’s a picture when I was thin, could see well, had a full head of hair and my back didn’t hurt for no reason! YOU’RE WELCOME 2020!

Well, here we are. OK, forget we, stay away from me. No more we, ever, or until some doctor I’ve never met says it is cool. Here’s some observations about being in self-quarantine I have learned.

If I hear “flattening the curve” one more time, I will have a stroke. Then again, I went to Lowe’s to grab mulch – if I’m stuck at home, might as well grab three things and run out the door. Sanitize, shop, sanitize and shower. In and out. As I’m paying, not touching anything, I feel some dude in my back pocket. OH YOU’RE THE REASON WHY WE HAVE TO REPEAT FLATTENING THE CURVE EVERY THREE SECONDS. THANKS NOW BACK OFF.

I really don’t think it’s that bad. I mean, I can still grab takeout, like the Mexican restaurant down the street. In and out. Calls…”we are closed indefinitely” OH HELLS BELLS I CAN’T GO ON LIVING LIKE THIS! JUDAS PRIEST THERE’S NO MEXICAN FOOD? I AM DONE!

I’m now rating the Facebook shareables. Top: things I don’t like everyone else does. Worst: share teal pictures from your phone. I don’t even know what color teal is.

Liquor = good. Not knowing how to make any drinks other than mixed with coke = not as good.

Still sane here, for now. At least a bit, my son woke up at 2:30 am for no reason and my wife took an early shift. I’ve had 28 ounces of coffee and it’s not 7 am yet. I’m about to quarantine myself from this quarantine.

One of the biggest changes for a lot of Americans during the lockdown/quarantine of 2020 has been working from home. It’s just like working at the office, but with a few changes. OK, quite a few.

Work routine: Make coffee, get a cup, drink as I filter through the emails and calls that came overnight.

Home routine: Make coffee earlier because son woke up extra early. Decide to tackle emails early. Son runs back upstairs singing unknown song, clearly at a volume loud enough to wake the dead. Set coffee down, run after him. Computer has update I didn’t ward off, so computer is locked down. Grab work phone, spend 25 minutes trying to figure out how to forward correct email from thread on iPhone (impossible). Finally remember coffee, which is one degree over freezing now. Finally begin emails.

Work: Background noise is either hip hop I don’t know or alternative music I don’t know. Once a month yacht rock slips in and all is well with the world.

Home: Background noise is the Finger Family song, Johnny Johnny, Baby Shark or a Disney Plus/Netflix show. Daughter only wants song changed at the exact moment I’m on a sales call.

Work: Strategically plan meals; hope to avoid to co-worker that brings in donuts.

Home: EAT ALL THE LIVE LONG DAY.

Work: One conference call a week.

Home: 573 conference calls a week. Apparently conference calls are being piloted as a possible COVID-19 cure.

Work: Hope delivery driver didn’t blow up bathroom.

Home: Hope child didn’t “wash hands” on her own, which means drench the entire bathroom in the one step from sink to towel. It’s almost impressive how much water got from the sink to flood the entire floor.

Work: Best advantage is not changing poopy diapers during a training call.

Home: Best advantage is not having to change from what I slept in until 9 am…OK noon…OK I’m probably wearing this to bed again tonight.