• Here comes the outrage hurricane! The dangerous trend of internet rage

    Posted by on August 2, 2018

    One thing about society currently that is very disturbing is the rapid and uninformed outrage that happens when stories break.  Most are true or based in truth, but incomplete.  Doesn’t matter, time to rage.  I saw a story recently that should be the learning moment for these things: The Cubs baseball incident.  A video came out where a gentleman got a foul ball that a kid in front of him missed, he picked it up and handed it to a lady, who was very apathetically on a phone.  The internet exploded.  This heartless jerk stole a ball from a little kid.  He was found and harassed online, his job was threatened, his life was threatened, and even his lady was targeted.

    The problem?  Turns out he had given the last three foul balls to kids around him…and the kid that missed that ball already had been handed a signed ball earlier in the game.  The Cubs team had to get involved to protect the fan from the onslaught.  What if they hadn’t?  What if the guy was fired and lost his job?  Maybe then loses his house?  Maybe gets divorced over financial strain?  No one would care, it’s time to destroy the next guy!

    This is normal for politics, but it’s creeping into everything.  Reporters break stories, some one-sided, the internet gas can is tossed.  The irony is that if people just shut up for a couple days, the flash mob of tweeters and Facebook posters has already moved on to the next thing.  Everyone wants the moral bank account filled with likes and retweets more than learning the whole story.

    As to the latest topic du jour, if Urban Meyer was covering up a violent abuser on his staff, he should be fired.  We don’t know if he was.  It looks bad, but “we” don’t know that currently.  I also would ask – is anyone to blame?  I heard the interview with the ex-wife of the fired coach and she mentioned her own parents and in-laws discouraged her from filing charges.  Is anyone upset with them?  Any other coaches to blame?  If someone is a wife abuser and is say, an accountant, do we fire their bosses?  Never.  Not once.  High profile person?  Hell yes, burn them down.  It make us feel better, whether it’s justified or not.

    It’s very easy to run to a computer less than five hours after the first information leaks out and type a diatribe.  It’s much more prudent to find out more and let our weakening standard of innocent until proven guilty take its course.  Thomas Jefferson said it was better for 10 guilty men to go free than one innocent one to be wrongfully convicted.  I wonder if anyone agrees with that anymore.  Social media sure doesn’t.  Zach Smith never did one day in jail for abusing his wife, let’s not forget that.  Let’s also not determine guilt OR innocence by what team we root for or our desire to get some likes.  When more comes out, then we can build the guillotines.

  • Nature sucks

    Posted by on August 1, 2018

    When I was a lad, I loved being in the woods.  I made forts, swung from a tree on Marty’s Hill (Marty put the rope up and got to name the hill – Marty also broke his collarbone swinging from the rope, so that too) and had poison ivy 3-6 times a summer.  Oh how times have changed.

    This is my ankle.

    Times this by four starting each May. I hate summer.

    I get bit by mosquitoes, on average, every third second I stop moving.  At one point two summers ago, I had 23 mosquito bites on me.  I also have OCD tendencies, so I scratch them open to keep them from itching me into the nuthouse, so there’s that also.

    Yesterday, my son decided the party started at 4:50 am, so I got up early and finally got him back down.  I was up, so I took the dog for a jog…which sounds like Dr. Suess.  I need to read a real book soon.  As we ran down the street, at one point I noticed a white tail glowing next to me, just three feet away.  It was a skunk, with it’s balloon knot pointed right at us.  By the grace of merciful God, it didn’t spray.  OH BUT THERE’S MORE!  Later last night at 10:15, right when the kids finally fell asleep, the cat busts in the room – smelling of skunk.  I spent the next 55 minutes trying to catch the cat to get the smell off, while my wife tried to figure out how to get the smell off.  Luckily it wasn’t a direct blast, but I opened the back door and it was still a cloud of stench, much like a music festival in July.  This is now me when I see a skunk.

    Does a conceal carry cover this thing?

    I have resolved the only time I will go outside is to get to a liquor store or if I see Seal Team 6 sweep the area with pesticide and Claymore mines.

     

  • Well, that was a dumb idea

    Posted by on July 27, 2018

    This weekend I am going back to my fraternity house for a benefit event to raise money for my fraternity brother’s daughter to go to college.  He passed very suddenly right after college and it is really an event I look forward to every single year, despite the very crushing reason we gather together.  I have opined on Quincy and his legacy before, but this is a comedy blog, so I’ll keep it funny.  You can donate here if you would like to help an amazing young lady pay for her education, btw.  https://www.paypal.com/donate/?token=2woD3_9s5eUKoFkqf3SNpEaMIHkB59_AVlMMdLwbKA2qs1OE1chkff2M-fg_A9k8eB4KUG&country.x=US&locale.x=US

    When I first moved into the frat house the summer before my sophomore year, it was like a dream.  I had a pool table, sand volleyball court, a grill built into the deck, huge stereo, plus 33 other friends (coming soon when school started) and really, my first place of my own.  Me and my high school buddies Stotts and Honk were drinking some beers when two soccer players made it in early for soccer two a days, my fraternity brothers Boyer and Nate.  We started playing drinking games with tequila when one of the guys (name redacted) said, “I have the key to that Bobcat outside.  We should take it for a ride!”  All five of us drunkenly walked out to the parking lot, where they were tearing everything up for a new trail and parking area leading to campus.  We fired the little earth mover up, my pal jumped on the roof and we yelled our cheers and drank our beers…then about 12 seconds after starting it, the one town cop car pulled up over the hill by the tennis courts, not 30 yards away.  We scattered like roaches.

    Two of my friends ran into campus to throw them off our scent…or maybe because they were drunk.  Unbeknownst to both, the college had put a brand new rail in.  The athlete of the two hit the rail at full speed and ended up missing a week of practice with deep thigh bruises.  The smoker of the two also hit it right after having seen the athlete hit it and almost broke his leg.  On the other side, my other buddy saw a clearing and ran to the woods.  He happened to pick the clearing that was a clearing only because they had shoved all the broken concrete with steel rebar sticking out down that part of the hill.  He bounced down the hill and by God’s grace, happened to roll under a huge piece of concrete that shielded him from the cops while he bled.

    What happened to you, Chris?  I saw another gap in the woods.  I ran full speed and realized it was a six foot drop with an enormous ceramic pipe for drain off into the ravine.  I fell down two of those six foot drops and in the process of falling, lost my sandals and I was already shirtless.  I slammed into the pipe full force from the fall.  The last drop was filled with thorns and briars that had grown up in the hole and I had to push through with all my strength, the barbs ripping open my arms and chest.  I then ran deep into the woods in the dark with no shoes on, hearing the cop yelling behind me.  After 15 minutes, I crawled back to the house and found I was ten feet from the cop, still scanning the woods with his light.  Back into the woods!  YAY!  I finally, after an hour, belly crawled and ended up being the first one back.  Over the next two hours, all five made it back – no one arrested.  One of my buddies did get stopped by the cop who had backup by then.  He was walking back from the other side of campus, limping from hitting the railing, intoxicated and looking rough.  The cop stopped him – “Were you one of the guys trying to ride that Bobcat.”  “What Bobcat?” he said.  The cop let him go.  Keep in mind school hadn’t started yet and there were probably 12 students on the entire campus.  Crack police work that night.

    Over the next several days, four of us had limps, cuts and I happened to lie down in poison Oak or Sumac as my entire torso was a red rash.  It was so bad, I scratched it open with a dry towel and poured bleach into the cuts.  It finally stopped itching, but I had chemical burns for six months on my stomach.  I did however finally find the beer coozy I lost that said “BEER: Not just for Breakfast anymore” that I bought in Myrtle Beach my senior trip after high school, so it wasn’t all dark clouds, everyone!

    Not actual koozie. Mine is now in the same vault as the Constitution underground.

    Well, I learned my lesson that night.  OK, not really, other than don’t take your shirt off before you commit grand theft bulldozer.  “Hey Chris, you never said what happened to the fifth guy, the one who thought of the whole idea?”  Oh him.  The only one not bloodied and battered?  The guy who thought to steal the Bobcat in the first place.  He found a nature trail and ran to a clearing lickety split.  He didn’t have a scratch on him.

  • “Sounds tasty.”

    Posted by on July 24, 2018

    I honestly feel bad for door to door salesmen, but I generally hate them.  Friday I got home, had to do a couple things around the house before my show and really didn’t need any interruptions.  Along comes bug treatment guy.  He was pretty young and in all honesty, it was raining and he was on a segway, so I really didn’t know whether to sympathize or hate him.

    He began a spiel with some really corny lines about my house and all the multitudes of bugs, like I lived in the Temple of Doom from Indiana Jones.  He was on fire with the hand gestures and anecdotes, but all I could see was the huge white pimple on his neck.  I really didn’t hear too much, plus my dog was trying to get out from behind me.  I finally interjected, “Sounds great and all, but I have two kids and this mutt here, so I need something safe.”  That will stump him so I can move along without having to straight slam the door in his grill.  “Oh it’s really safe.  The granules are so small, they only stick to bug hairs, not human hairs.  I’ve even eaten the powder myself and drank the spray.”  “Oh you did, did you?  Sounds tasty.”

    At that point, he stared into my unimpressed face.  He knew he had went a bit too far.  It’s one thing to tell me you lab tested chems on kids or have some eco-rating approved by the Fart Institute or whatever, but don’t expect me to believe you were sprinkling pesticide on your popcorn or hamburgers because you’re dedicated to your craft of going door to door.  I was going to ask him what it tasted like, but I saw he was winding up, knowing it was over.  In fairness, if it keeps mosquitoes off me, I may start doing shots of DDT with this guy, but alas, I never got to ask as he rode off into the sunset, full of bug spray goodness.

  • Things easier than getting my toddler to do what I ask

    Posted by on July 18, 2018

    Fighting a shark in three feet of water.

    Fighting a bear with one arm (the bear has one arm).

    Fighting a smaller bear, but I have one arm in this scenario.

    Drinking a bottle of expired tartar sauce in five minutes.

    Staring into the sun.

    Dieting and working out.

    Changing someone’s mind about politics with a meme.

    Being a man in my upper 30’s and not taking a leak for 2 hours.

    Not drinking after a normal day at work.

    Flying a spaceship you’ve never seen before like Will Smith on Independence Day.

    Doing an hour of jokes in a bar while the local favorite sports team is in the playoffs.

    Keeping dog hair off black pants.

    Eating berries from the grocery before they go bad.

    Sleeping in with children in the house.

    Finding a way to actually use the math they told you in high school you would use every day.

    Finding the right batteries when something quits working.

    Fighting a shark and bear with one arm in two feet of water.

    Anything ever.

    This is easier than getting my kid in…or out of the tub.

  • Things I learned this week

    Posted by on July 13, 2018

    12 Thai boys and their coach were rescued from a flooded cave where they were miraculously extricated after licking water off rocks to survive.  I learned I will NEVER GO INTO A CAVE EVER AGAIN.

    Stormy Daniels was arrested, then released under some strip club touching rule.  I learned apparently in Ohio there is an exemption for stripper touching/touching the stripper for immediate family.  I learned I need to find out how a bill where family can touch a stripper seriously is on the books as codified law.  I’m so confused and wish I never knew this information.

    I learned not to use your cell phone light as a flashlight where it call fall over and crack you between the eyes when you get an email.

    I also learned when you get a rental car and they ask you if a van is OK, you should ask back, “Does it smell like old, unwashed scrotum?”  I didn’t and I’ve never held my breath and drove so far in my life.

    Finally, I learned that if you buy a small swimming pool for a toddler, she will want to swim every single day, no matter if at 6 am or 9 pm at night.  This was a worse purchase than slime.

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