• Me and Kenny Rogers

    Posted by on March 6, 2011

    I recalled a story tonight about my favorite concert moment.  A few years ago, I went to my annual summer trip, Jamboree in the Hills.  It is a four day country music festival that is basically boot camp for alcoholics.  I don’t know most of the musicians that well, but I go w/ my redneck buddies and we drink the whole time.  Kenny Rogers was there once and he proceeded, in front of 50,000 white trash drunks to play The Gambler, his most popular song.  However, he made a judgement error and played the rap version he did w/ Coolio.  The crowd was enraged and began booing.  His response was to berate the crowd and call us the worst audience since Montreal, where no one spoke English.  This did not sit well with me after all day drinking and I began ripping up clods of earth and flinging them at the stage with about a dozen other hilljacks.  He left the stage and I went back to the campsite to restock my beer.  On the way back in, his tour bus was pulling out and I yelled obscenities and hurled Busch Light cans at his bus until security told me stop.  I think Mr. Rogers got the point and I confirmed that yes, I am indeed complete white trash.

  • Exciting news!

    Posted by on March 6, 2011

    Now your facebook comments are tied to America’s favorite website, chriscoencomedy.com!  Join millions and watch your snide sarcastic statements repost instantly!

  • Early 30’s complaints

    Posted by on March 3, 2011

    I know I’m not old, but why has my urination pressure dropped?  “Shake it more than once and you’re playing with it!”  I say, “Shake it less than five times, I’m soaked in my own pee.”  Also, my knee hurts.  I used to squat 455 lbs.  I haven’t worked out my legs in two years and my knees crack like a dry twig every time I stand up.  I can’t read my texts w/out reading glasses and I now spend 20 minutes a week looking for back hairs, who are scouts for the advancing ass hair cavalry ready to charge from the southern hinterlands and overwhelm my pristine hairless back.  By the way, I need my reading glasses to see these hairs.  What joys lie ahead?  Bald spots and beer gut?  I will never celebrate another birthday.

  • Delusion is funny

    Posted by on March 1, 2011

    The Funny Bone’s open mike was epic tonight.  There is a workshop beforehand where new comics try their material.  A black dude in his 40’s or 50’s introduced himself as “No Money Productions presents Still Gettin’ Paid.”  He then berated all the other comics as rookies and said, “Y’all are crybabies.  I’m a pro.  I practiced this at home.”  (Which is not professional BTW…)  He then after seven minutes announced he was off his meds and was removed by security.  He yelled as he was drug out that this was his chance; his only hope.  An unpaid open mike.  On a Tuesday.  At a mall.  Unfortunately, this did not shock me in any way.  This is comedy.

  • The Academy Awards

    Posted by on February 28, 2011

    I didn’t watch, I didn’t see any of the movies other than Winter’s Bone and True Grit (pre broadcast), yet I knew all of the winners except one.  I whiffed on the mom from the Fighter.  I don’t know if this means I read too much crap on the internet or they are very predictable.  I just hate the speeches.  “I’m so surprised…now here’s some rambling BS.  I was in a movie and got to shoot every scene 10 times until I got it right and got paid millions.  I’m great, thanks to my director, blah blah speech over.”  At least it’s not the Grammys, which are completely based on album sales.

  • Boxing movies

    Posted by on February 28, 2011

    I just watched the Fighter.  Christian Bale was great, the sisters were the least sexually appealing organisms I have ever seen, and it was based on a true story.  The last part means I now have to spend the next hour researching Mickey Ward and company, which is this annoying OCD thing I have.  It was a good movie, but is every single boxing movie the same?  I haven’t seen five white boxers since I was born, but every movie is about an Irish-American who overcomes the odds (except Rocky, who isn’t real).  Are there any movies about Hispanic or black fighters?  Does every white boxer not throw a punch until the eight round?  When is the Tommy Morrison movie coming out?  Does he fight HIV in the closing scene?