• sensitive people stink

    Posted by on March 17, 2011

    Annoying.  If something offends you, then everything does, hippie.  I lost three FB friends bc I posted about DUI’s.  I have personal experience with this topic, yet somehow I’m a dick for bringing it up.  “I love your posts about (blank), but God forbid you talk about (blank).”  If you feel this way, you suck.  Selectivity is a sign of ignorance and intolerance.

  • St. Patrick’s Day and DUI’s

    Posted by on March 17, 2011

    I was out and about yesterday and noticed about twenty cops out, way more than normal.  Yesterday was St. Patty’s Day Eve…is there some huge spike pre-NCAA tournament/St. Patrick’s Day?  It seems to me they would be best served all sleeping in for today, the perfect storm of drinking.  It’s supposed to be 67 degrees, March Madness kicks off in full, plus every Slovak, Bangledeshi, Laotian, and fill in the blank is Irish today, which means you put on a green shirt and drink until you vomit.  In fact, the roads are going to be so littered with drunks, I wish my plan would be implemented.  If you get pulled over after 9 pm, and you’re sober, you get a ticket for driving under the influence of stupidity, unless you have a medical emergency or a couple passed out drunks in the back seat.  They should literally line the roads with sandbags like real life bumper bowling tonight.

  • New podcast!

    Posted by on March 16, 2011

    Check me out on the “Bill and Dan” show – returning after a brief hiatus.  If you like this one, another to follow soon.  http://billanddan.libsyn.com/

  • What I learned at my niece’s song recital

    Posted by on March 15, 2011

    My youngest niece had her song recital tonight.  She was clearly the best and quite frankly, I felt bad for the other children who had to be onstage with my prodigy of a niece.  I learned a lot, like from the song “Party in the Jungle” I found out that snakes go “sssss”, lions go “roar”, and alligators go “chomp.”  I then, through deductive reasoning, learned that a party in the jungle sounds absolutely terrifying.  Who picked this awful venue?  The drinks are warm and all these damn animals are trying to eat all the guests.  The scariest thing at my last party was when people got in their cars to drive home.  The tires go “squeal” and the car goes “smash.”

  • Daylight savings time is useless

    Posted by on March 14, 2011

    I awoke from my slumber/pass out on Sunday morning/afternoon and noticed the stupid clock stole an hour from my life.  Pick one or the other – there is no such moronic practice supposedly benefitting farmers in Indiana, right next door, and according to John Mellencamp, there are a shitload of farmers in Indiana.   “Blood on the Scarecrow” was about foreclosures, not a lost hour of sun.  Now I lost an hour of my life and I feel like an even bigger lump of dump for having slept until noon/one.

  • A comedy first

    Posted by on March 13, 2011

    Tonight I did a benefit show that raised over $250,000 for COSI in Columbus.  I tried to hide my white trashness, but I was drinking scotch out of a martini glass, so I probably failed.  I also had to bust through a sheet of sugar glass (I have no idea why) and followed a drag queen.  He/she stole my whole act.  I was totally going to dance like Mamie Van Doren to the Pussycat Dolls’ “Don’t Cha.”  OK, maybe not.  Whatever.  It went pretty well, but absolutely no one bought that I was supposed to be Dean Martin offstage and I’m fine with that.  Dean is super cool, but I look about as Italian as Sammy Davis, Jr.  Regardless, I’m pretty sure that Columbus’s millionaires feel better about the fact that they don’t know anyone from Zanesville after my act.  Plus, I noticed rich people have the same dumb conversations that I do, but they have a lot of cash, so hot chicks pay attention to 5′ 5″ dudes with horseshoe hair more than me.  Blah blah blah, capital investments, blah blah blah, Ohio State sports, blah blah blah, my BMW…alright maybe I don’t have the same conversations other than the OSU sports.  I can, however, funnel a beer in under two seconds on a good night.  Impressed, fake boobs?  Of course you’re not.