CHRIS COEN

I was talking to a couple pals the other night.  Some guy to my right said, “If Brandon Phillips doesn’t win the Gold Glove, I’m blowing up stadiums.  I’m starting with Busch Stadium.”  Fellow comic Joseph Ivan said, “The terrorists’ demands sure are dropping.”  Genius.  The drunk then looked at us and said, “I’m dead serious.”  No, no you’re not…but we’ll never hang out.  That’s true.

I have always loved Halloween, so I dress up every year.  My top costumes –

– One year I was a nearly six foot penis.  I had a bald skin cap (with a black dot), a red sweatband, and a flesh colored warmup suit with blue veins front and back, plus two flesh colored pillowcases w/ balloons in the front and an afro wig in the back.  Good costume, but bad for drinking.  I had to piss every 25 minutes and lift two balloon bags w/out dribbling down my leg.

– My best was Britney Spears.

This was on her comeback in ’08.  I copied the outfit.  My addition was the pink balloons I used to show her worn out labia and the tramp stamp.  The best was when I was shopping at Kohl’s, holding up the sports bra.  I looked up and saw an elderly woman staring at me, mortified.  Excellent (rub hands together).

 

I had a show at WVU last week.  Crowd was good, room was set up well, and I got two free beers.  That’s right, haters.  Two.  Afterwards, a college student approached me and said, “What got you into comedy?”  Alcohol and dumb friends.  We went through the normal back and forth, then he told me this – “I think I’d like to do comedy professionally.  It sounds fun.  I listen to podcasts and those guys are hilarious.”

I didn’t want to break his heart, but I neglected to tell him is was nearly 11 and I had to drive back to Columbus.  Oh, and work the next day on less than four hours’ sleep.  Oh, and headline a show the next night.  Not complaining, just saying.  I had to ask – “Have you ever done comedy before?”  His answer?  “No, but in high school, I played the banjo for a show and tell speech and it was pretty cool.”  Well, you never told me THAT!  Go for it!  Become a professional comic!

I was headlining a show last week.  It was supposed to start at eight, but no one was there except a German soccer player and the bartenders.  This is always a great sign for a good night o’ laughs!  Eventually, about 12 people were there, so it looked like go time.  Yet another delay, though, as the drunkest couple I’ve ever seen showed up.  They tried to get them to leave.  They were dancing, not well by the way, and making out viciously.  At one point, the chick, who I thought had a bum leg, stumbled up to the bar and demanded her and her winner of a boyfriend got to get onstage.  They were denied, so went back to PDA.  I quit watching when he started rubbing her button publicly.

Show started at nine.  One guy decided to yell out something everytime the feature said anything at all.  Then the four ADD girls to the left of the stage got up, all at once to smoke, making a hell of a racket doing so.  By the time I got up, there were five people left.  One chick got up FIVE TIMES during my 50 minute set.  Her dude only got up two times, you think he would have passed some manners along…oh wait, he made a cell phone call during one of my jokes.

There is nothing more demoralizing than knowing no matter what you do, no one gives a shit.  At one point, a girl complained that I looked at my watch.  Just counting down the seconds until this show is over or I start shooting, stupid.  Luckily, I was paid in cash, which covered my fantasy football leagues’ entry fees.  Excellent.

Show is at 8 pm, not 9.  Sorry.

I blogged once about the “adult baby” featured on the show “Taboo.”  It’s a fat douche, who, in his 30’s, dresses like a baby because hims had a bad childhood.  What broke after the story, is that he is getting Social Security benefits.  After all, he can’t work.  His childhood was rough, so we should all chip in.  Meanwhile, in Africa, some woman is getting HIV at the moment from being dry-raped by a warlord controlled gang.  Her husband would help, but his hands were cut off for voting.  Oh, and her kids are starving because the useless UN won’t properly distribute food, it’s being stolen by the gangs.

A senator found out he gets SS benefits and wanted an investigation.  Adult baby threatened to take his own life (oh no!).  Amazingly, Social Security held up his claim (I wonder if China will keep paying once they own America).  Now he wants an apology.  Well, I would like to personally apologize to the adult baby.  I’m sorry, if I ever had a chance, that I didn’t swerve my car onto the sidewalk and put you out of your misery, and our collective misery.  My bad, I’ll try harder next time.