CHRIS COEN

For some reason, thousands of radio stations play only Christmas music this time of year.  Some since the beginning of November, which painfully makes someone around me say, “Not Christmas music before Thanksgiving!  Oh no!”  Like it just happened for the first time ever…then again, I’m bringing it up.

All BS about Christmas music aside, my number one complaint is that people love it so much they support horrible Christmas albums every single stupid year.  Like this.

Stop America.  Was Santa Claus born in a manger just so we had to endure Jessica Simpson and Bob Dylan’s Silver Bells?

Big story from the weekend shopping – yes, there are shopping stories all over the news.  This is sad and pathetic.  A woman pepper sprayed other shoppers to get to the front of a line at a Wal-Mart, then disappeared.  Several questions arise – how did this woman get away?  If she hit 20 people w/ pepper spray, I am going to guess she missed at least one witness or she is a pepper spray ninja.

Also, how in the hell did she think this was going to work?  Hmmm, I’ll bet no one at Wal-Mart will care…let me attack strangers…yep, good…OK, I’ll take that Xbox please!  What do you mean I was out of line?  This is why I am a hermit.  I don’t even like going to the grocery store on the weekend.  I always get blocked by some idiot that takes up the whole aisle looking at spaghetti sauces.  Pick a side or get run over, granny.  In fact, my goal is to complete all Christmas shopping in under one hour.  Gift cards for all!  Hope everyone likes Olive Garden, iTunes, or Home Depot!

This is a rule of men.  Don’t ever give yourself a nickname.  Here’s proof.  I played on the baseball reserve team my freshman year.  We got our names stitched on our hats, but we got to pick.  My nickname at that time was “Conan”, but I got Coen on my hat instead.  Our bookkeeper was a rather impish chap.  He got a hat also.  He decided, for some dumb reason, to call himself “Smallfry”.  Oh boy.

The biggest problem, though, was that the nicknames were stitched, which means they were connected at the bottom.  I picked up the hat and looked at it.  Due to the stitching, I misread the hat.  I said, “Who in the hell is Smallery?”  An F looks like a E when it is connected at the bottom.  Smallfry was not pleased, but his new nickname stuck and we called him Smellery, Mallory, and just plain ol’ Smallery everafter.  Thus the rule – don’t give yourself a nickname.  See ya Monday, kids.  Signed – Dr. Messiah.

Thanksgiving is truly one of the greatest and most American holidays ever.  Think about it – it’s the only holiday where you eat until you nearly vomit and toss food in the trash, then follow it up by having the entire Friday off work to celebrate the excesses of capitalism by shopping all day.  USA!  USA!  USA!

My only problem is when I bitched one year about no stuffing.  My grandma, God bless her, took up my crusade and now I am cursed with 12 lbs. of dressing because the picky eaters in my family eat noodles and mashed potatoes only.  That stuff is good…once a year, not as a filler meal for a week.

Most of all it is a time to be thankful.  I am thankful for my awesomeness.  It is quite overwhelming.  I am thankful I am not a Cleveland Browns fan.  I feel outright sorry for them.  I am thankful that Skyrim came out just before my shortened work week, Busch Light is delicious, and Captain America: the First Avenger was good.  Oh and serious stuff too, but that’s not as funny…

I started the debate for OSU after a guy for Michigan bombed horribly (see yesterday’s post if you’re confused).  It went pretty well, bashing UM in front of a pro-Buckeye crowd is pretty easy.  I thought the Buckeye Guy would be there, but it was the Buckeyeman.  I said “Thank God, because they have such a different skill set to bring to the table.”  The joke, obviously, is that they are two guys that dress funny and go to games.

I also touched on the fact that UM’s alumni page actually lists the following alums – Dr. Jack Kevorkian, the Unabomber, and Herman Mudgett, America’s first serial killer with a PhD.  Harvard of the West, indeed.  I did lose points, though.  I said in reference to the Woody and Tressel look-a-likes that next year a Luke Fickell impersonator would be present, but it would actually be Luke Fickell, since he’ll be jobless.  Oops.  OSU won the debate, not surprisingly and I got free lunch and Bud Lights, so it’s a win.  Hopefully next year they move it to Friday, so I don’t have to take a vacation day for a free show.

This was the 2nd year in a row that I did the “Great Debate” (www.rotarygreatdebate.com).  It is a benefit show that is centered around four Ohio State debaters/roasters vs. four Michigan debaters/roasters, with a score assigned to each presenter.  I’m on the OSU side in Columbus, so needless to say, it’s pretty easy to hit home runs (people in Columbus, Ohio tend to like OSU more than Michigan…)

Last year, I met this rather nice, but loopy old lady that runs it.  She came up to me, as I was drinking a beer and wearing a t-shirt – “Are you the reverend?  Are you giving the convocation?”  Yes, sister.  Hold my beer as I spread the Gospel.  She also is one of those people who talks into the mike, sometimes.  The crowd can’t hear a word she says and starts saying, “What?  What?”  She just barrells on through.  It’s really quite amazing how impervious a person can be to 200+ in a crowd.  On to the debate…