CHRIS COEN

About a month ago, I was turning onto Broad from High, in broad daylight, on a green light.  A cop was in the middle of Broad and wrote a ticket for me.  Why?  There was a sign, not hanging from the light, like 98% of those signs, but off to the side, right after the Occupy Columbus mess on the sidewalk.  I would have paid the fine, but I told the cop I thought it was BS and he actually apologized to me and told me he wouldn’t show up at court if I fought it.  Since I am stubborn as a mule and more importantly, suffering from leadfoot, I decided to fight the ticket.

I knew things were bad when the prosecutor and judge didn’t immediately recognize me from my world fame as Chris Coen, comedy genius.  Clearly, they live in log cabins or caves, I surmised.  Even worse, my pal the apologizing cop tricked me and showed up!  Obviously hired by all other comedians to slow down this bullet train of comedy success!  The anti-Coen league strikes again!

I hate almost all lawyers, so I didn’t hire one.  Some say risky, but I thought through my force of will and expansive intellect, I could toy with my opponents like a cat bats around a mouse before the kill.  Amazingly, the prosecutor countered with “prior offenses” and “not being able to change the law”.  I considered unleashing fire from my eyes, but turned to the judge.  Being a judge, he had to know he was dealing with a superior human, an ubermensch if you will.  I don’t know what judge school he went to, but he convicted me!  Must have been “Dumb Stupid University”, am I right?  (High five my dog.)

I explained to the judge my facts, which are more important than the “truth” facts.  With the corrupt system clearly leaning on this righteous crusader for justice, I pleaded “No Contest”, because no self-respecting American admits defeat.  The judge said, “Let me review the case.  OK, guilty.”  Guilty?  Guilty of loving freedom too much?  Then I stand before you, sir, a condemned man!  Actually, I said thanks, sir and paid my stupid fine.  If you pass a sweet black Chevy with a rugged Adonis behind the wheel, going two mph under the limit in Columbus, it’s probably me.  I really have to watch my back now – even the “justice” system is against my success!!!  Montage time!!!

I’m finally back in the show loop this Friday after a bit of a slow time.  December is the month for benefit shows, which is nice, but personally it sucks not even getting gas money.  The one exception is New Year’s Eve, but I had one of my worst shows ever on New Year’s Eve a few years back.

The venue said they discussed pay with us, but they didn’t and I learned not to trust anyone, ever.  Plus they served food, buffet style, right when the show started.  The overwhelming heat from the fireplace behind the stage was a nice bonus as my back sweat was equal to running a mile.

I hope everyone enjoyed their holidays, but I need work, so Bah Humbug.  Bring on 2012.

My buddy’s brother worked on the show “Bioshock” on MTV in the 90’s.  It was a show about musicians, set to music, where you read about their pasts.  I found out through this connection that the hook to the show was putting some sort of conflict and/or tragedy right before the commercial break.  The show’s not on anymore, probably because most people who watch MTV can’t read.

I remember the one with Brandy and the big drama was something really lame, like she didn’t get the recording contract she wanted at 14 or something stupid.  Meanwhile, a 14 year old pregnant girl watching was crying because her only talent was being a fertile 14 year old.  Bad attempt at tragedy, MTV.  Brandy was worth more at 17 than I’ll ever be, so needless to say, I didn’t exactly collapse with grief over this drama.  Plus I was in college, so I was probably drunk which is why I don’t remember more about that stupid episode.  Of course, I’m still drunk.  Someone please help me.  Sorry, that happens from time to time.

I like biographies, but when they overdo it, it really drains my interest.  WOW!  That comedian was the center of attention?  Get outta here, TV!  I was flipping channels and according to Chelsea Handler’s bio, her comments on Angelina Jolie in 2010 were OUTRAGEOUS!!!  She’ll say anything!!!  Sigh…  I’ve seen a black woman do blackface onstage.  Now that’s over the top.  I have heard open mikers do jokes combining pedophiles and the Holocaust.  They weren’t funny, but as for shock value, a lot more than bashing Angelina.  That’s the best these producers could cook up?  I even knew a comic that did seven minutes of sexual assault jokes at a show once.  What was that guy’s name…

I fight very hard to keep my political views out of comedy.  That said, I could write entire acts on the dumbass comments people make on facebook, twitter, and news stories.  Comments on news stories?  Are we all reporters?  More importantly, are we stupid enough to think news outlets (left or right) are pure as the driven snow?  Of course not.

The reason I keep my thoughts to myself?  I don’t care what other people think via sniper fire in quick comments.  I would rather shave my balls with Rosie O’Donnell’s old Bic razor after she just cleaned up her back than start a 57 comment back and forth on facebook with someone who is blasting me with talking points from imalwayscorrect.org.  If someone wants to have a civil discussion, I’m in.  A virtual screaming match?  Cover me in honey and throw me on an anthill.  Get ready, everyone, for 2012!  If you read the comments section, we’ll have an undercover Kenyan Muslim against a Christian crusader who seeks to impose the Pope as the head of state and kill poor people.  Or is the Zionists behind the whole thing?  Probably that – I saw a lot of Jew bashing is making a comeback online, sadly.

Bullet point – keep your “I read this headline” political views to yourself.  I consume a lot material on my own.  Oh, and you live in your mom’s basement.  Thank you for the two cents, I’m fine.

I need to rerecord my comedy set because I’m a little more polished, have updated my act, blah blah blah.  I found a couple old DVD’s and remembered why I hate recording.  My current DVD (on sale on this site!) is perfect (as perfect as my crap act can be) – good video quality, crowd is great, lighting good.  All the other ones before that?  Not so much.

My best one previously was recorded at a bar show.  The video quality is awful and the server walks in front of the camera four times in 24 minutes.  For about seven minutes in the middle, the sound and video are 1.5 seconds off from one another, just enough to be maddeningly horrible.  I didn’t catch it at the time, but I’m standing next to a traffic light that changes about every five seconds from red to green to my right.  Oh, and I was standing in front of a drum set, no stage.  This was the best recording I had until June 25, 2010.

Why is it tough?  One time everything was perfect…except no crowd showed up.  Another time, I must have known to screw up because I said “like” 15 times.  Another show the venue cut my minutes from 25 to 15, which isn’t long enough to record.  Oh, and this isn’t counting the corrupted tape and bad cameras that cost me three shows.  On second thought, maybe I’ll forget it and go with an audio CD…

At the Browns/Steelers game Sunday, I quickly realized why I generally avoid human contact.  Upon sitting down, a drunk old guy behind was constantly screaming for everyone to sit down, because he paid $50 for his ticket.  This went on for 15 minutes until guards finally told everyone to sit down.  Six minutes later, everyone was standing again.  Luckily, the drunk had taken talking about how he was suspended from his job for parking in the wrong spot and was taking them to court.  Thankfully, that story ended, but the “sit down” chants started up again.

I was ready to strangle him (I was sitting down, by the way), but a new target of hate popped up.  A woman in front of me starting arguing with him how she paid $1100 for a ticket and she could do whatever she wanted.  I know she was full of shit because…1) We were at the Cleveland game.  The sidelines aren’t worth $1100.  2) She showed up at the end of the first quarter and left in the third.  If you pay $1100 for a ticket, you show up when the punter is warming up and leave when they chisel your frozen ass off the seat.  3) For $1100, you can fly anywhere in the world and back.  And probably afford to pay someone for sex, even if they’re not a prostitute.  That’s a lot of money.

I then found it fascinating that there are fans who heckle the opposing team and their fans, but in Cleveland, you get an equally strong contingent of people hecking their own team.  Between “Hey, hey, hey, Ben is gay!” and “I crap black and yellow every morning! (I don’t get that one)”, I also heard drunks yelling for the Browns to go for it on 4th and 10 from their own 46 with five minutes left in the game.  This is why fans don’t coach.