About a month ago, I was turning onto Broad from High, in broad daylight, on a green light. A cop was in the middle of Broad and wrote a ticket for me. Why? There was a sign, not hanging from the light, like 98% of those signs, but off to the side, right after the Occupy Columbus mess on the sidewalk. I would have paid the fine, but I told the cop I thought it was BS and he actually apologized to me and told me he wouldn’t show up at court if I fought it. Since I am stubborn as a mule and more importantly, suffering from leadfoot, I decided to fight the ticket.
I knew things were bad when the prosecutor and judge didn’t immediately recognize me from my world fame as Chris Coen, comedy genius. Clearly, they live in log cabins or caves, I surmised. Even worse, my pal the apologizing cop tricked me and showed up! Obviously hired by all other comedians to slow down this bullet train of comedy success! The anti-Coen league strikes again!
I hate almost all lawyers, so I didn’t hire one. Some say risky, but I thought through my force of will and expansive intellect, I could toy with my opponents like a cat bats around a mouse before the kill. Amazingly, the prosecutor countered with “prior offenses” and “not being able to change the law”. I considered unleashing fire from my eyes, but turned to the judge. Being a judge, he had to know he was dealing with a superior human, an ubermensch if you will. I don’t know what judge school he went to, but he convicted me! Must have been “Dumb Stupid University”, am I right? (High five my dog.)
I explained to the judge my facts, which are more important than the “truth” facts. With the corrupt system clearly leaning on this righteous crusader for justice, I pleaded “No Contest”, because no self-respecting American admits defeat. The judge said, “Let me review the case. OK, guilty.” Guilty? Guilty of loving freedom too much? Then I stand before you, sir, a condemned man! Actually, I said thanks, sir and paid my stupid fine. If you pass a sweet black Chevy with a rugged Adonis behind the wheel, going two mph under the limit in Columbus, it’s probably me. I really have to watch my back now – even the “justice” system is against my success!!! Montage time!!!