CHRIS COEN

Getting back into shape after 40 is basically “I don’t want to be fat and have to buy new clothes.” I can distinctly remember the best shape I was ever in and it was during a summer when I was 20 years old, living on campus in college with almost no one around. I spent about $25 a week in groceries and ran three miles per day six days a week, plus hit the gym. The chances I will do that again are non-existent with kids, but goals are relative when your pants don’t fit, so that’s where I started. Don’t hold your breath for me on the 4 am infomercial.

Here’s some hot weight loss advjice that helped me lose weight and maybe it will help you too!

If your co-workers keep bringing in donuts, punch them or quit! Let’s face it, those donuts are getting eaten, so you have to change your strategy. Be homeless or assault them; that’s the choice.

Don’t eat after midnight…or 7 pm. You’ll turn into a Gremlin…a fat Gremlin at that. In fact, it really helps if you don’t eat after say 3 pm, but I think that’s called an eating disorder.

Exercise helps, but don’t get injured. I joined a 5:30 am workout group and after the 2nd day, my hamstrings were so sore, I couldn’t walk right or jog for five days. I tried to run two days after and had to turn around after 300 yards. AND NO, I DIDN’T STRETCH. STRETCHING IS FOR FLEXIBLE PEOPLE.

Fat is OK, but carbs are the devil…the delicious, savory devil. It’s actually pretty easy to avoid carbs. Just stay away from cake, potatoes, sugar, ice cream, bread, pasta, cookies…you know, all that nasty stuff! Just buy pasted meats in a tube and squirt them down your gullet and you’re all set! Easy peasy!

When all else fails, just get major plastic surgery every two months, because I think it’s like seven dollars or something. You’re all welcome!

I’m now convinced the internet should be abolished. It’s been building a while, but the Super Bowl halftime show has finally done what elections, Farmville and the comments sections of every show couldn’t. HOT TAKES! HOT TAKES ALL AROUND!

Yes, the dripping irony of a hot take blog about hot takes, but seriously people. It’s been three days. Here’s where we stand, thus far.

First, sharing someone else’s thought and thinking you are profound is anything but profound, so there’s that. A monkey can toss another monkey’s turd just as well as his own.

Second, the show was a bit inappropriate, but society is still standing. We are OK. You know what? Some people didn’t like it. You don’t have shoehorn OH THEY MUST HATE WOMEN AND SPANISH WORDS into the mix just as much as you don’t have to act like a hint of a butt cheek has toppled our moral standing. Honestly, if the camera man wouldn’t have zoomed in on J-Lo’s honey hole, half of this discussion wouldn’t be happening. Some people are prudish about their entertainment, others more so when it’s the most watched event of the year. My grandma cursed like a sailor, but if a show used foul language, she was furious. Can’t really explain it, but that’s what it is. I saw people actually arguing whether it was empowering or demeaning to women. How about neither? Maybe it was just what it was.

Third, the NFL is a pro sport. Pro sports have a level of violence, sure, but it’s controlled. Stop comparing football to the gladiator pit, you sound like an asshole. I saw TONS of people using the comparison. You can quit football any time and last I checked, I make less than every single NFL player. Gladiators to my knowledge didn’t have great health coverage and vacation pay with athletic trainers. They kind of died, especially the ones fed to wild animals alive in front of 40,000 people.

The internet breeds this buzz of negativity that people lap up like dogs at a water bowl. I saw a story last night scrolling across ESPN’s screen “ONE VOTER WHO DIDN’T VOTE FOR JETER IN HALL OF FAME WON’T RELEASE NAME.” Jeter should be in the Hall of Fame, but rather than that be the story, all I’ve heard on him for a month is the one guy who DIDN’T vote him in. Babe Ruth didn’t get unanimous voting in. Jeter will be fine. ESPN has figured out though, that being a shit stirrer gets them web hits and whatever buzz, so this is the result. I can’t believe that I, the former crown prince of negativity, am in this position, but here we are. Maybe we don’t have to cancel the internet, but seriously, for your mental health, please stay away from the comments section of anything or you deserve whatever you get.

Sunday’s breaking news was delivered to me via Facebook. Of course, my first reaction was to check another site, since you can’t believe (and shouldn’t believe) anything today without digging a little. It was quickly everywhere and I saw tons of reactions from basketball fans, die hard Lakers supporters and just people in general. What I began to see next, though, was a perfect microcosm of what the internet has for us as a society both good and bad.

I found out TMZ broke the story before his family had been notified. This is beyond disgusting. Any blowback? Not really. They got a “scolding” from the police. Good job, TMZ, money first, after all.

I saw a lot of posts scolding people for not sharing stories about the other victims and one that got traction that 31 soldiers had died and no one was talking about it. I clicked the story and it was from over a decade ago. So some of the people tongue/type lashing society didn’t even take three seconds and read the article proving their point. Great work.

Another offshoot of that point is this: you are allowed to be upset over a celebrity death without being disrespectful of others’ passing. Kobe Bryant was the best basketball player on earth for a decade at least. He won four rings and played for Team USA. He was the face of the NBA. Yes, it is tragic that others died, but we didn’t watch their lives, see their families and more. Full disclosure – I watch ZERO NBA. None. I haven’t watched an NBA game since the Cavs were in the finals years ago, but Kobe is familiar to society. You can’t discount that. Yes, human life is all equal, but you’re not a hero blasting “society” in these cases. Want to spread the word about other victims or people that passed? Then inform us. Share. And actually read the articles yourself.

To further give examples, my favorite band of all time was and is Pantera. When Dimebag got shot and killed onstage in 2004, it affected me deeply. It wouldn’t have done any good to have some random asshole scream in my face that someone else died that day and I should apologize to the Earth for feeling bad about one more than the other. Want to be upset with the media? OK, go for it. They won’t change. Lisa Lopes from TLC died the same day they found Layne Staley from Alice in Chains body in his apartment, dead from an overdose for weeks. MTV covered Lopes’ death in great detail and Staley’s barely was mentioned. I love AIC and Staley’s voice was and is my favorite off all time for the haunting power and dark, twisted angst that fit their music perfectly. I was very upset with MTV for years after and you know what? Didn’t change anything. TLC was more popular than Alice in Chains. That’s the way it is. I still have his music and I can enjoy it and his legacy without shitting all over TLC fans.

I saw a few other posts – one saying he would be alive if he wasn’t rich, taking helicopters everywhere. The stupidity in that can’t even be addressed. LA traffic is a disaster, so he was working around it. Plus, last I checked, people die in cars. People died getting tossed off horses. People die on bicycles. What a bizarre thing to focus on.

The last piece I noticed was the most complex. Kobe Bryant was accused of sexual assault in 2002. Right before the case was set to open, the accuser dropped the charges and filed a civil suit, where Kobe settled for an undisclosed sum and had to apologize. He definitely committed infidelity (which no one seems to mind) and in his apology said his definition of consent was not the same as his victim. I won’t comment on other than to notice to some people, this proved his guilt and others the charges being dropped proved his innocence. I have no idea and never will as to what happened. The details that leaked out are disturbing and disgusting if true. By accounts that came out after, Kobe was very private and visited dying children with the requirement no PR credit was given. He was generous with his money, appeared to be faithful to his wife afterwards and was a doting father to his girls. This is part of his legacy, for better or worse. I just wish some of those who like to share the sexual assault allegations were using some of that energy to fight sex trafficking and support victims of assault now, not just trying to score points with a post or two hours after his death. It’s not an excuse for him; just a desire to see that passion for something in 2020, not 2002.

Actually one more thing and I already posted about it. Ari Shaffir is a perfect example of what I hate about comedians. Shock humor can be funny, but it’s usually just trash and lazy. He posted jokes about Kobe’s death almost immediately and I saw the same thing on my feed. I have said it before and I’ll say it again: You’re not getting booked for your shit shock jokes, but you sure as hell are being passed over shows for them. Hope it’s worth making your “free speech” point. You have free speech as a right against the government. If you use your platforms for tasteless jokes, don’t insult people who have fought for open free speech against the government by lumping your garbage jokes in with it. Speech has consquences and I was glad to see Ari dropped by his talent agency as much as I will enjoy seeing turd open mic comics continue to be passed over for shows as they’re posting Kobe jokes while his body still hasn’t been recovered. Be better or go away. Maybe there’s knitting open mics or something where you don’t have to open your hole and let everyone know you’re a scumbag person.

Want quick money, but require interaction with complete dum dums? Just sell stuff online! Here’s some highlights from recent and past transactions.

Selling seven Wii games. Price shows $10 total. First guy – “Are they $10?” Me – “Yes, that’s the listed price.” Guy – “Each or total?” Me – “Total. Just like the post says. I’m not trying to sell 18 year old Wii games for $10 each, so I put in the post $10 total. Guy – “OK, thanks. I’ll pass!” Me – “Should I have said $10 each? Will you buy if so?” (No response).

Selling old collectibles for $60. Random person – “Would you take $50?” Me – “Yes, but I found more. If you want, I’ll toss the extra ones if you buy tomorrow.” Rando – “I need pictures of the stuff you’re adding in.” Me – “I’m not home, but can…does it matter? You agreed to $50 for all and I’m literally giving you free stuff at the same price.” Rando – “I need to see pics.” Me – “OK, sending soon!” (Didn’t send pics for 18 hours on principle).

WINNER. ALL TIME WORST. Selling used TV for $50. I posted my phone number as messaging wasn’t available on this site. Girl – “Does it work?” Me – “Yes, of course or I would be tossing in dumpster.” Girl – “OK, can you prove it?” Me – “Yes, the picture posted shows it on. I can plug it in again if you show up.” Girl – “Where are you?” (Gives her directions) “Oh that’s too far and I don’t know where that is.” Me – “Do you have GPS?” Girl – “I don’t know how to use it.” THE VERY NEXT DAY SAME CONVERSATION, WORD FOR WORD. Two days later, SAME CONVERSATION, WORD FOR WORD. Next day after, she calls, fourth time. Me – “Are you the girl that lives near Polaris and will ask me if it works.” Girl – “Yeah, how did you know?” Me – “BECAUSE THIS IS THE FOURTH TIME YOU HAVE CALLED ME THIS WEEK AND WE DO THIS DANCE UNTIL YOU TELL ME IT’S TOO FAR AWAY AND YOU AMAZINGLY DON’T KNOW GPS OR HOW TO TAKE AN EXIT 15 MILES EVEN THOUGH YOU’VE LIVED HERE YOUR WHOLE LIFE!” Girl – “You don’t have to be rude!” Me – “YOU’RE AN IDIOT. STOP CALLING ME FOR GOD’S SAKE AND ALL THAT IS HOLY.” (She hangs up on me) TWO DAYS LATER SHE CALLS AGAIN. (Quit selling things online for no joke 14 years after that).

The new hot thing the last week, other than everyone having a doctorate in international affairs from the school of bomb everything or the university of war sucks maaaaaaaannnnnn, was to do a review of your last decade. It was quite the decade for me personally…I guess it should be, if your decade was just “meh” maybe you drink some coffee or get a life coach or something. I got married, had two kids, moved, lost family members and got old, but let’s focus on comedy.

I started the last decade off winning the Semi-Pro division at Go Bananas in Cincy. I was told I was the first out of towner to do so, but I know it’s been done since. I’m sure there is a marble statue of me somewhere. I also started doing longer sets that year, like for real longer, not just new comic “Sure, I can take your money and figure it out!”

I quit smoking altogether so in other words, I can’t go to open mic comedy anymore. Too many human cigarette breaks in a 22 person show. That and with two kids, you need to have time to leave the house. Oh and writing new jokes more than once every six weeks would help.

I got to open for Colin Quinn, who was one of the nicest big names around and he actually liked my set (at least he said he did…wait, was he just being nice?). I also found out J Medicine Hat and Jim Wiggins passed. They were two comics that helped me out a lot when I first started. Wiggins told me about tricks regarding where to focus on the crowd and timing; Medicine Hat took me on the road to the Virginia Beach Funny Bone early in my “career” and told me to lighten up a bit and look like I was enjoying myself. I guess I can act after all!

I also passed the feature showcase to be able to work clubs, but I’m still waaaayyy down the lists and to be honest, haven’t really pursued gigs now that I have a family. My son wakes up at 3 am now and my daughter has cried when I left for shows, so that’s a great way to ready to make strangers giggle – exhaustion and guilt, let’s go baby!

I don’t know what the record for telling people when your next show is knowing they won’t come, but I am sure I was close in the last decade.

I started running a monthly show (it used to be an open mic weekly – never again) that just hit the four year mark. Check me out at Rehab Tavern every 3rd Friday at 8 pm in Columbus.

I got to do a bunch of roasts, debates, even a sketch/improv show, try out for a commercial for Wal-Mart (they didn’t announce a last place audition finisher, but it was surely me) and even hosted Ultimate Sinner on Sirius/XM channel 38, Ozzy’s Boneyard.

I’m sure there’s something I’m missing, but my son, as mentioned, got up at 3 am yet again, so whatever. Comedy and stuff. Yaaaayyyy.

New Year’s Eve used to be my favorite holiday when I was much younger, now it’s my least favorite. Well, of the ones you get days off for. Sorry Arbor Day, until I get a day off and don’t have something tied to it, like planting 12 trees or making out with a spruce, you’re still worse. Here’s why it’s plummeted for me: everyone on Facebook suddenly became the arbiters of life rules because the calendar changed. So here’s your offenders.

“New Year, New Me” – This is as old as time. The difference is all the quitters that used to tell you their annoying life plan now put it in writing. If this is 11th year in a row you said you were getting your life together, just be a degenerate at this point, it’s a lifestyle. I thought these people were the worst, but now there’s more.

“Don’t celebrate success, you do you” – I thought the repeating resoluter was bad until I saw this post about 20 times. “Don’t let other people’s success affect you, you keep doing what you’re doing!” So are other people not supposed to post things showing accomplishment? Also, what if that motivates someone to actually change? One of my pet peeves is the random, soulless motivational statement. One that perpetuates mediocrity is worse. If you’re an adult and you don’t know there are people posting their best life as a total fraud, I feel bad for you. If you’re thrown into a tailspin because Randy lost five pounds or Sue finally started that Etsy business, it’s not their fault.

The person that takes their resolution and beats you over the head with it – Take all the last paragraph and ignore it in this case. To give an example, I accepted a friend request a few years ago from someone I didn’t know well, but we had bookoo mutuals, so whatever. I can’t go 48 hours without seeing some post about this person really had a great workout and used to not, but now does and life is amazing oh and here’s a workout selfie. And another one. And another one. And the same post again. And again. Hey did you know I had a great workout today? WE GET IT.

In summation, how about if you want to use New Year’s as a catalyst for change, go for it. Don’t bludgeon with your resolutions and don’t crap on people for changing. In other words, don’t be annoying and try to be less of a piece of garbage. There’s a resolution for everyone. Now let me blog about that for seventeen straight days with selfies until someone tells me I’m success shaming or whatever.