• Weinstein and #metoo and the wave of creeps

    Posted by on November 10, 2017

    I have actually had to retype this blog seven or eight times now.  I wanted to start with Weinstein but the creeps kept coming.  Holy Toledo, is Harvey Weinstein and James Toback and fill in the blank Hollywood scumbag news depressing.  In fairness, most news is – there’s so many child abusers and killers running around all areas of society it’s staggering.  I read account after account and it really is stunning – ranging from bizarre creepiness to nine women accusing him of rape.  I think the only fair thing is to cover him in pheromones and toss him into a giraffe pen when it’s in heat like the Romans managed to figure out.  The aftermath has been very eye opening and here’s what I’ve learned so far.

    These guys are way more powerful than I thought.  (I’m going to say all these are alleged and based off new stories because no one has been convicted yet and I’d rather not get sued, just in case).  Bill Cosby was an enormous star, but he drugged all his victims.  Harvey and the more recent vermin didn’t even bother – each woman that came forward was fully cognizant and this story has been simmering SINCE THE MID-80’s.  Many of the victims were intimidated, but there were way too many people that knew about this behavior and it was tolerated because they personally benefited (or could benefit) from Harvey’s power.  The same Hollywood crew that routinely gives us smugness, infidelity, hypocrisy and debauchery, managed to slide in a conspiracy of silence and their own female cohorts suffered tremendously.

    In both Toback and Weinstein’s cases (and now Louis CK’s – more creep edits!)…and this is even weird to type…did they think their “methods” would seduce these women?  Harvey is a fatback with a pock marked nose and offered to shower in front of these women?  Didn’t work, so how about I pleasure myself in front of you!  Toback is said to have humped Selma Blair’s leg…if a dog does that you turn a hose on him.  Both of these guys look like they couldn’t seduce a woman without a Hollywood type of mind control device in a shitty superhero movie.  Even removing the assault factor,  who thinks women would ever go for this?  “Hey girl, want watch me soap up this saggy, bloated, corpse looking body?”  “Oh God no!”  “Well, how about I really wow you by rubbing my high school boner on your leg?”  “Well, why didn’t you offer that the first time!”  (The end rolls across the screen, shot of the two of them running through a meadow).

    I completely believe this is going on much more than just Weinstein and crew plus Corey Feldman’s pedo alerts are potentially something more explosive than this…if more people come forward.  There needs to be a serious press from authority.  I’m constantly hearing people call for other industries to raked over the coals.  If gas goes up .10/gallon, people lose it and mutter about crooks and thieves in Big Oil.  Big Pharma is under the gun for drug prices and possible opoid addiction ties.  Big Hollywood needs more than a quick gaze if rape and assault are being passed around like candy on Halloween.  Even Kevin Spacey was terrorizing men and boys, according to reports, so it’s even men being targeted and no doubt children from some of these animals.

    The #metoo campaign was very exhausting.  I saw way more personal stories than I ever thought possible.  My only issue with it?  Like most internet trends, now what?  I read some stories from some friends that were really sad and my blood began to boil that many knew their attackers, who are still just walking around, living life.  I hope it changes some behavior, but I have a pessimism that those willing to rape women really don’t care about a hashtag.  I’d like to see some of these dbags get sent away.  I also think, like most great ideas, it gets dragged into the weeds.  I saw some people slapping #metoo on their pages for horrendous acts of violence, but others were using it to lambaste others for using it incorrectly according to their perceptions of what to do with it.  That’s the worst part about the internet activism.  People try to make it their “thing” and police others instead of just taking in the magnitude of an event.

    Even in comedy – good ol’ fun time comedy.  Bill Cosby, America’s dad in the 80’s has been brewing for a decade.  The Louis CK story has been hinted at, then outed for years, but it’s just now making waves, probably due to the avalanche of accusations being revealed every single day.  The sad thing is both men used their incredible talent for humor on one hand and abused women by being a lech on the other, hiding behind fame.  Both also alluded to their behavior in jokes also, which is even stranger.  Not just producers and comics – Kevin Spacey tried to come out as gay as a defense to the story of him climbing on top of a 14 year old and was thankfully trounced when everyone saw through the ruse, then dozens more stories started pouring out.

    I guess the one cautionary tale I will offer is that yes, in the majority of these cases victims have been ignored for years, but there is the basic foundation in this country of presumed innocence.  I had a good friend falsely accused of slipping a roofie in a girl’s drink and I literally saw her steal a beer out of his fridge with my own eyes.  It nearly went to the cops and a lawsuit before the claim was correctly dropped.  His reputation was trashed and took a lot of work to rebuild.  Then again, in Weinstein and Cosby’s case, it wasn’t an isolated incident, it was dozens of victims.

    Another common reaction I see that is disheartening is lumping everyone into something they didn’t do.  Example: not every Muslim is a terrorist, not every gun owner is a killer, and so on.  I thought very hard through my past to uproot any predators and I can’t think of one I was friends with ever doing anything like this.  I vividly recall my fraternity brothers putting drunk girls in their rooms and standing outside the room to make sure no one got any ideas.  I remember being yelled at by a girl years ago because I confronted her boyfriend about rumors he hit her frequently.  She went off on me and I really, at the time, barely knew her.  Years later, she actually thanked me for trying to help and thankfully had moved on.  My point is, no, most guys not only aren’t like this, a stout majority don’t put up with it.  I’ve had several other males tell me they heard things, but the victim asked them not to say anything or get involved.  Getting a bullhorn and screaming at men like we have a secret Y chromosome rape pact is pretty pointless and actually probably shuts more ears than turns hearts.  I can assure you, if anyone touches my wife or daughter, there won’t need to be enough evidence or need to take written statements and lie detector tests, I’m pretty sure I can figure out castration on the fly.  If you want to attack anyone, go after the ones that knew and sat on the sidelines.  Looking at you, Matt Damon and Russell Crowe.  Hope it was worth calling off the dogs ten years ago.

    That’s my stupid thoughts on all this disgusting behavior.  Encourage and support victims and if you see an opportunity to get their attackers off the streets with prosecution, please help.  I hope the next story I read in this mess is about a trial and conviction for one of these sickos.  Or maybe getting hit by a car also, that’s a lot faster.  Don’t look both ways, Harvey, it’s clear!


  • Let’s try something positive (yes, I said it and mean it)

    Posted by on November 8, 2017

    Let’s face it, if you watch the news, it’s a veritable grab bag of animal droppings.  Even this story I’m about to share is awful, in many respects.  I saw this pop up on my feed -`http://www.cnn.com/2017/11/03/health/cancer-patient-christmas-trnd/index.html

    It’s a story about a nine year old that’s been fighting cancer for over half his life and has been given a month to go.  He wants to get a bunch of Christmas cards, so click the link and send him some cards.  As in now, please.  Also, if you’re on Twitter, hit up @starwars and ask them to get him a movie viewing.  They did it for a guy once who was a huge fan, so I know they can do it for a kid.  (He’s a huge Star Wars fan).  That would be really cool – not sure if there’s any other way to message them; I’m not exactly connected to Hollywood these days…or ever.

    So to recap – 1) send this kid a card and 2) tag @starwars on Twitter to see if they can help arrange a movie viewing soon (it comes out in December) and 3) come see me at the Columbus Funny Bone tonight and buy all my books for stocking stuffers.  OK, forget #3, but do the other two if you can and spread the word.  I’ll hashtag stuff, kids seem to follow that. #trump #nfl #xbox #beer #nakedpicturesofsomeone #russia #freemoney

  • Hope no one had a fire that night

    Posted by on November 6, 2017

    Last Saturday I had a show to raise money for the Botkins Fire Department.  Side note – women reaaaaalllyyy love firemen.  It really is some kind of voodoo magic.  Well, good news, ladies, I was a volunteer fireman for three days in high school, but the other two guys quit and I couldn’t do the program myself, so I had become a gym aide for the credit.  Of course, I wanted to quit when they made me hoe weeds in 95 degree heat while I they sat in the shade and drank cold Mountain Dew, but the other two beat me to it

    The night got off to a good start when I got pulled over five miles from the venue.  I had a headlight out, but the cop was cool and let me off.  I sure the karma in the universe shifted and I’ll get diarrhea this week while I’m driving for that good fortune.  They were putting away the food when I walked in, but thank God they still had some in the back, so I got the last possible plate (more diarrhea heading my way, I’m sure).  I think the entire crew was at the show so I was hoping no one had a fire in Botkins.  I’m sure nothing interrupts a set like 15 guys sprinting for the exits.  I’m used to only 10 doing that per joke.

    The show went very well, both comics, Kenny Mock and Josh Sneed, killed it also and the emcee did well also.  He was their 77 year old local sheriff and mentioned that this was the only fire department not to have to pass a tax levy thanks to this fundraiser and two chicken cookouts.  Of course, he did 25 minutes of crowd work also.  Good luck lighting a man nearing 80 who can also arrest you after the show.

    I forgot to plug my merchandise during the show, because my real job is in sales, so why would I remember to mention my book and beer coozie?  They closed out the show with an auction, which was interesting.  One item was an Ohio State mini bar on wheels with a cooler built in and four liquor dispensers.  They kept tossing liquor bottles on top of it to raise the bids.  Some tall drunk guy meandered over by me and said, “What’s for sale?”  I raised my arm to point and it hit me that I nearly bid $500 with that move.  Luckily no one saw me or I would have been dragging a mini bar behind my car at 70 mph.  Looks like three days of diarrhea for this guy coming this week!

  • Trick or treat! Are you in your 30’s?

    Posted by on November 1, 2017

    I love Halloween.  Not for the candy and costumes, but because the spawn of Hades will be freed from his ancient shackles and the darkness will cloud the land…I mean I love candy!  Forget I said that!

    We took our peanut out and found that apparently everyone in my new neighborhood is a stingy asshole, because we had to pass six houses before we found candy being offered.  (My mother in law was passing out our candy, relax before you accuse me of being a hypocrite – I bought Reese’s Pieces, so shut your yaps).

    Ned Stark becomes Jon Snow when the Halloween store only has black wigs.

    It was a good time and even the dumb dragon dog enjoyed herself.  When I went to the office Wednesday, we shared stories.  I then had two separate co-workers tell me adults in their 30’s with no costumes asked for candy – some with their kids, others without.  First off, under no, and I mean no circumstance should you ask for candy over 15 unless you went goofy with insulin and you need sugar to keep from dying.  Second, at least have the shred of decency to wear a costume.  Lastly, I don’t know if it’s worse to show up without kids or be a lump of crap in front of them.

    If an adult shows up to my house next year and says trick or treat, I’m yelling trick and kicking them in the soft parts or telling them to mow my front yard and I’ll think about it.  Thanks for ruining Halloween, bums.

  • Well, it’s a good thing we moved out

    Posted by on October 29, 2017

    I went back to my old house this weekend to clean and put some highly potent tub seal paint in our bathtub and on the tile.  I really wanted my wife to do it, but apparently being pregnant is a problem in this and 134 other countries with this paint.  So I sucked it up (literally, I may altered my DNA) and got to work.

    I had use a bucket, first with bleach and water, then an adhesion promoter with a scour pad.  It was getting potent, so I put on rubber gloves and a respirator, making several trips in and out of the bathroom while blaring music.  I finally walked past a mirror and realized any neighbor looking in the windows is 100% sure I’m a full blown serial killer dissolving a body in the tub.  Especially since I had to come back after five hours for the second coat.  Oh well, at least I have yet to terrify my new neighbors, but I found out the gas station down the street carried this.

    There goes the neighborhood!


  • Well, that was dumb

    Posted by on October 27, 2017

    One of the hardest parts about typing a blog regularly is finding good topics to write about, and in my case, hopefully mildly humorous or funny.  I have been slammed with moving and preparing our old house to sell, so I thought I would scan the headlines last night and see what hot, trendy topics could help jog the brain into action.

    I found seven stories about rapists and sexual assault, six headlines about political topics, three stories of parents neglecting their children which led to their deaths, a husband murdering his wife, several Star Wars and comic book movie headlines and finally an animal abuse article.  Thanks, news!  I can’t wait until the laughs start flowing from my fingertips.

    Then I heard my daughter say, “I got boogie in there” and “Where did pants go?” as she ran around, defying any attempt to clothe her without a severe and epic battle for the ages.  Maybe I’ll stop reading news articles and try to find these damn pants or teach her how to fish that boogie out.  I’m good at one of those things.