“Don’t hold your penis!”

One of the joys of having children is that going to the bathroom is no longer a private experience, like you were used to for several decades. Now I get, “Did you poop? Can I see it?” and “Does pee come out the ba-gina?” This is sometimes a bit much. There’s also nothing like being mid-stream and having a two year old burst in and try to touch the, at that point, unstoppable flow. It’s like trying to throw the gearshift into reverse at 40 mph.

This weekend I was draining the lizard, to use the scientific terminology, when my no filter four year old entered. “WHY ARE TOUCHING YOUR PENIS? DON’T HOLD YOUR PENIS!” I said the only thing that came to mind. “I’ll get in a lot more trouble if I don’t hold it, trust me.” Then she left, leaving the door open, naturally. I think my next house project will be putting an outhouse with a triple door lock out in the farthest corner of my back yard.