• Product review: the Father’s Day back shaver

    Posted by on June 20, 2018

    Since my last blog was very popular, I figured I would let everyone (mostly men, I’m guessing) know how the back hair shaver works.  NOT TO LEAVE WOMEN OUT – all you female lycanthropes or Italian girls can enjoy also.  Here goes!

    First, the guy on the box clearly represents a man with no hair on his body before this process started, so the marketing team is already on my bad side.

    The greatest thing since…well not having genetics that give you back hair.

    I was going to read the instructions, but instructions are for pussies, right?!  Yeah!  I actually have one problem area – my lower back.  My upper back has some invaders that have decided to settle in their new land, but by and large, not a serious problem yet.  I did have to use a machete to open, they packaged this thing like it needed to survive Fallout 4.

    I exclaimed to my wife, “It has a suction cup to hang in the shower!”  She was not a fan of that feature.  “Let’s not display that thing.”  Almost like the time I saw a douchebag in a relative’s shower as a kid.  Probably put that in the drawer.  I did see it said “wet or dry!” also.

    I had about three minutes until I had time to leave for work, so I let it rip.  Oh man, did it ever work.  Huge wide blades carved the hair off like a knife through hot butter.  In about seven swipes, I got the whole area, although it is larger and wider than I remembered…NOT COOL BACK, NOT COOL.  The only thing is that thanks to the Coen gene, I don’t really do anything with finesse, so dry shaving too fast left me with enormous razor burn where I pressed too hard.  You think I would know better, my toothbrushes are all flat after 2 months.

    Well, I’m here to say it really works and is a great tool for self-shearing.

    No middle aged white guys were harmed when testing this product.  OK, maybe a few.

    I will say if you get any ideas about going south with this guy, you better have a sack made of steel wool or the size of a birthday party ballon – it’s pretty large.  Now you too, can be as hairless as a 12 year old boy, just like the ladies like!  Good job, Bakblade 2.0!

  • Father’s Day

    Posted by on June 18, 2018

    Father’s Day is a day our country honors the dads out there.  I can guarantee it came after Mother’s Day on when it was celebrated and it should, but since I’m a dad now I got some stuff from my wife and kids, who at both under 3 years of age, probably had tremendous input.  I know my daughter didn’t pick the gifts, because it wasn’t play-doh or my son, because it wasn’t drool.

    So I got a workout shirt that’s designed to keep you cool and the first time I tried it was the weekend, where it was 92 degrees with 683% humidity.  I also got a t-shirt, an embossed wallet with a picture of me and my kids that’s really cool and lastly, this thing.

    Not included: another monkey to pick bugs out of fur

    And such is life.  Sometimes you get what you want, sometimes you get what you and possibly the greater good of society needs.  Not that I’m rocking it shirtless a ton these days.  Now if next year I can get a fat shaver, I’m all set.

  • Well, time to fight a stranger

    Posted by on June 14, 2018

    I have a few pet peeves.  One is the phrase pet peeve.  Another is people who get on the internet, read one article and act like they are smart.  My mom went to the Lincoln Museum recently and was telling her neighbor about it.  “Why did you go there, he was a racist!,” said the brain dead lump of worthless known as her neighbor.  She asked me why someone would say that.  This is what I saw in my head.

    Aw no you didn’t!

    Ah, one of THOSE people.  They read one article from a whack job online and they’re off and running.  I was going to delve in deep and talk about people that apply modern standards to historical figures, possibly address his writing about separate state options that had some support at the time or look up the argument myself, but she told me his foundation was that the Emancipation Proclamation didn’t actually free the slaves.  There it is, now to pee in this guy’s Wheaties, metaphorically, of course.  Yes, the Emancipation Proclamation didn’t free the slaves BECAUSE THE WAR WAS STILL GOING ON STUPID.  But why Chris, why didn’t he just grab a laser cannon and vaporize the Army of Northern Virginia and end the war instantly?  Why didn’t people in a rebelling group of states actively at full blown war with the Union listen to his proclamation because he clearly should have used his mind control like Professor X?

    Yes, it didn’t affect the border states, because if Lincoln pissed them off, they could have lost four more states at the time, and in 1863, it wasn’t going too hot for the north.  Oh and one of those states, Maryland, would have completely surrounded the US Capital.  Never mind the document was revolutionary and started the momentum that led to the permanent eradication of slavery in the United States just over two years and 600,000 casualties later.  Plus, I said this, “Tell this dummy Lincoln took a bullet in the back of the head from Booth directly because he ended slavery.  Ask this jackass what he’s done for race relations?”  I then decided I can tell him myself next time if I ever see him.

    I have decided, thanks to this and other really dumb internet things, I will occasionally use this blog to address inaccuracies I see.  Hopefully with humor and probably with venom.  DON’T MESS WITH MY ROLL DOG LINCOLN, RANDOM NEIGHBOR OF MY MOM.  I WILL SMACK YOU DOWN ON A BLOG YOU’LL PROBABLY NEVER READ.

    HISTORICALLY ACCURATE

  • Summer good, Summer not

    Posted by on June 12, 2018

    Summer isn’t officially here, but when it’s 90 degrees with 90% humidity, you can take your Gregorian calendar and stick it.  Of course when you’re a kid, you love summer because it means once you take out the trash, you have nothing to do for 12 hours outside of run around outside.  Here’s the rundown of why summer is great and why it stinks.

    Good – 1) Kids can play outside.  Once you have kids, you know what a glorious time this is.  2) Patio drinking.  3) You don’t have to wear socks.  For someone like my wife, it’s great because she hates wearing socks.  For me, I don’t mind socks, but I’m lazy and it’s one less thing to put on going out the door.  4) The sun doesn’t go down at 5:00 pm and rocket you into depression or sleepy time mode.  Whomever decided winter means the clock has to go back and make the sun set before you’re home from work should have been banished to a cave.

    Bad – 1) Bugs.  I hate insects more than any human being on earth.  I currently have five mosquito bites on my legs that I have OCD scratched open to the point of bleeding.  If DDT was legal, I would wear it as cologne.  2) Stupid hot days.  Nothing like getting a fresh shower, putting on clean clothes and then being drenched in your own sweat walking to your car.  Oh and then getting in your car and dying.  3) Yard work.  This is winter’s strongest hand.  Grass doesn’t grow in winter.  4) Sun shining in your face when it’s the weekend and you can finally sleep in.  I’M HUNGOVER SUN, GTFO MY FACE.

    So summer is a toss up for me.  I like the longer days and patio drinking, as long as I’m covered in citronella and air conditioning.  Someone make me an Iron Man suit that runs on Freon and it can stay summer forever.

  • College and the “real world”

    Posted by on June 6, 2018

    Sometimes memories won’t go away.  Every time I hear someone say the phrase “Welcome to the Real World” I don’t think of the MTV show, but a moment in college.  I was in a rather boring class with a very nice and eager professor.  She said to the students, “You know, people say college prepares you for the real world, but I think this is the real world!  College is tough!”  I don’t know what made me think about this moment nearly 19 years later, but let’s compare.

    Hardest test?  College (C): Had strep throat on 21st birthday and a economics final.  Still went to a bar called the Cheyenne and had two beers.  Real World (RW): Had to help build a new room on second floor where none existed before with a pregnant wife.  Real World wins.

    Stressful moment?  C: Frat bro smoking weed set off fire alarms when I was president.  Had student life and police searching house room by room with probation for entire chapter on line.  RW: Two children crying at same time for 45 minutes, no wife at home.  If near train tracks, would have jumped on and seen what happened next.  Real World wins by a hair, mostly because I figured out to shut down fire alarm for next time.  Haven’t figured out kids yet.

    Lowest moment?  C: Someone stole full 30 pack of Busch Light out of fridge and it was too late to get beer.  RW: Lost job with pregnant wife.  RW wins.  (I know you’re surprised I picked this too.)

    Toughest leadership trial?  C: Getting 50 reprobates to attend community service for violating keg ban.  RW: Getting toddler to eat…or get in tub…or put on PJ’s…or go to sleep.  RW wins by a landslide.  I would take yelling at 50 drunk 20 year olds all day over getting a toddler to put on a diaper.

    Test of patience?  C: Guy played “Bombs over Baghdad” at full volume next to my room five times in a row.  I broke the CD in half.  RW: Sales manager had me redo call project that was approved and started three times; then abandoned call project.  RW wins – you can’t break a sales manager in half without going to jail.

    In summation, my professor was full of hot garbage and completely wrong.  If anyone tells you college is like the “Real World” then ask them if in the Real World you can day drink on a Tuesday, if your “busy” day involves going to three classes for four hours, or if you decide to no call, no show, then someone can give you notes from the office and you’re cool.

     

     

     

  • What pet is right for me?

    Posted by on June 4, 2018

    Cat people vs. dog people – I constantly see the debate online.  Well, your friend Chris is here to break it down and make it easy for you in your search for a pet.

    Dog – Advantages: Personality, loyalty, home protection, exercise partner.  Disadvantages: Cover everything you own in either long hair you can see from outer space or short hair you can’t remove with any brush.  Need to go outside every six minutes when you’re busy.  Potential to eat anything in your house when bored.  Need attention more than any living creature, including your ex.

    Cat – Advantages: Self-reliant – you can actually leave a cat in a house for days and not go to jail.  Friendly 10% of the time.  Disadvantages:  Like to kill rodents and birds and deposit them in or around your house; occasionally bring a live one in just to entertain you – also cats literally are serial killers of smaller animals.  Their pee could stop a small army in its tracks.  Hate all other living creatures 90% of the time.  Only want attention at the exact worst time in your life.

    Fish – Advantages: Umm.  Cool to look at?  Disadvantages: Die if the eco-system is off 1%.  Cleaning an aquarium or fish bowls is worse than eating rocks.

    Bird – See Fish, insert word bird cage for fish bowl.

    Reptile – Advantages: If you worship Satan or would fail an empathy test, this is your pet!  Disadvantages: People rightly think you’re a psychopath.

    Other: Get a dog or cat,weirdo.

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