How to save the economy

Here’s my pitch to take over as the number one adviser on the economy. I think outside the box or virus or whatever.

The meat processing plants must be number one priority. I got about two black bean burgers in me before I turn into a tree or werewolf or whatever. The fabric of society is counting on wings and burgers, get it done. BUILD THE WALL…AND THE ROOF…AND WHATEVER PROCESSES MEAT.

No bars? No problem. Reopen them, but everyone has to wear a mask. How will America drink, Chris? Two words: Butt. Bong. Look it up. Actually, don’t look it up. I just heard an urban rumor it works, but I think I’m onto something.

Invent lightning proof clothing for kids. After being stuck inside with two kids under five during all day rain, I am 100% convinced these would be more popular than iPhones. They would be fully staffed also. I can still hear my own screams…and wheels on the bus echoing off the walls.

END THE TYRANNY OF THE TWO DRINK TAKE OUT LIMIT! Also make people that don’t tip delivery drivers or restaurant staff have a finger removed. That will stimulate some money or at least punish whatever soulless jackass doesn’t tip someone getting them fed.

Finally, give every business that was declared non-essential a chance to mitigate or do curbside. Can’t do it safely? Closed. Can? We’re listening. There are a lot of places that didn’t need shut down if they could operate with social distancing and no customer interaction face to face.

There’s my ideas, some actually serious, but either way, I need a law saying I can wear what I slept in to work please. My vote is for sale, politicians.