Author: Chris

I honestly feel bad for door to door salesmen, but I generally hate them.  Friday I got home, had to do a couple things around the house before my show and really didn’t need any interruptions.  Along comes bug treatment guy.  He was pretty young and in all honesty, it was raining and he was on a segway, so I really didn’t know whether to sympathize or hate him.

He began a spiel with some really corny lines about my house and all the multitudes of bugs, like I lived in the Temple of Doom from Indiana Jones.  He was on fire with the hand gestures and anecdotes, but all I could see was the huge white pimple on his neck.  I really didn’t hear too much, plus my dog was trying to get out from behind me.  I finally interjected, “Sounds great and all, but I have two kids and this mutt here, so I need something safe.”  That will stump him so I can move along without having to straight slam the door in his grill.  “Oh it’s really safe.  The granules are so small, they only stick to bug hairs, not human hairs.  I’ve even eaten the powder myself and drank the spray.”  “Oh you did, did you?  Sounds tasty.”

At that point, he stared into my unimpressed face.  He knew he had went a bit too far.  It’s one thing to tell me you lab tested chems on kids or have some eco-rating approved by the Fart Institute or whatever, but don’t expect me to believe you were sprinkling pesticide on your popcorn or hamburgers because you’re dedicated to your craft of going door to door.  I was going to ask him what it tasted like, but I saw he was winding up, knowing it was over.  In fairness, if it keeps mosquitoes off me, I may start doing shots of DDT with this guy, but alas, I never got to ask as he rode off into the sunset, full of bug spray goodness.

Fighting a shark in three feet of water.

Fighting a bear with one arm (the bear has one arm).

Fighting a smaller bear, but I have one arm in this scenario.

Drinking a bottle of expired tartar sauce in five minutes.

Staring into the sun.

Dieting and working out.

Changing someone’s mind about politics with a meme.

Being a man in my upper 30’s and not taking a leak for 2 hours.

Not drinking after a normal day at work.

Flying a spaceship you’ve never seen before like Will Smith on Independence Day.

Doing an hour of jokes in a bar while the local favorite sports team is in the playoffs.

Keeping dog hair off black pants.

Eating berries from the grocery before they go bad.

Sleeping in with children in the house.

Finding a way to actually use the math they told you in high school you would use every day.

Finding the right batteries when something quits working.

Fighting a shark and bear with one arm in two feet of water.

Anything ever.

12 Thai boys and their coach were rescued from a flooded cave where they were miraculously extricated after licking water off rocks to survive.  I learned I will NEVER GO INTO A CAVE EVER AGAIN.

Stormy Daniels was arrested, then released under some strip club touching rule.  I learned apparently in Ohio there is an exemption for stripper touching/touching the stripper for immediate family.  I learned I need to find out how a bill where family can touch a stripper seriously is on the books as codified law.  I’m so confused and wish I never knew this information.

I learned not to use your cell phone light as a flashlight where it call fall over and crack you between the eyes when you get an email.

I also learned when you get a rental car and they ask you if a van is OK, you should ask back, “Does it smell like old, unwashed scrotum?”  I didn’t and I’ve never held my breath and drove so far in my life.

Finally, I learned that if you buy a small swimming pool for a toddler, she will want to swim every single day, no matter if at 6 am or 9 pm at night.  This was a worse purchase than slime.

I had a new joke idea hit me last week while listening to the radio.  A commercial came on where you heard a door open, conversational sounds got louder, then dulled as the door shut.  Woman: “What are you doing outside, is everything OK?”  Man: “It’s just…this heartburn.  It’s killing me.”  She then chimed in with the perfect solution, a heartburn medicine in her pocket.

The commercial was so serious that I immediately started laughing.  What if the guy had a serious problem, like his wife cheated on him and he just found out?  He’s ready to jump off a bridge and all the lady had up her sleeve was some Tums knockoff.  It would have went like this: Woman: “What are you doing outside, is everything OK?”  Man: “No, I just found out Julia is sleeping with other men.  I can’t go on living like this.”  Woman: “Ooooo.  Um…I was really hoping you had heartburn.  That’s all I’ve got for you.  Well, hope it works out!”  Then you hear her slam the door and go back inside.

I had a show that night, so I pulled out a hot pink post it brighter than the sun.  I then wrote, “Man has serious mental health crisis and wants to die.  Woman has stupid Tums.  Hilarious.”  I stuck it on the dash so I wouldn’t forget.  Yesterday, I picked up a nail in the tire and had to drop my car off at the shop and forgot about the bright pink post it stuck right on my dashboard.  So some mechanic on the west side jumped in and saw a blazingly bright note I wrote about how funny a guy’s suicidal thoughts are and for some reason a lady has stomach pills.  Hopefully, he didn’t grab the notebook shoved in the seat and read the joke ideas about gas station bathrooms I had on a road trip a few years back or there may be a police report started.

After going to an Independence Day parade that was 115 degrees in the shade at 9 am, I decided it was time to shuffle my holidays.  Plus people love ranking stuff, according to Facebook feed.  So here goes…

BEST HOLIDAYS

Christmas – Presents, loved by kids and adults, eat like a fatty, and presents.  Only downside is traveling in winter and fruitcake.  That shit is nasty.  You can even culturally appropriate this holiday if you’re a heathen!

New Year’s Eve – Football and drinking.  Only downside – New Year’s Day hangovers.

Thanksgiving – The only holiday where you standard get two days off work.  Huge advantage.

Halloween – This holiday has bonuses depending on your age – Kids: candy.  Young adult: costume parties, slutty outfits, alcohol.  Parent: your kid gets free candy.  Only downside is strangers begging at your door.

Independence Day – Upside: AMERICA’S BIRTHDAY.  Downside: Hotter than Satan’s armpit all day.

WORST HOLIDAYS

Valentine’s Day – In February, the worst month.  Either have to scramble for a romantic gift or you’re alone and depressed.  Upside – strawberries, according to this random pic I found online.

New Year’s Day – Hangovers and have to listen to a ton of losers tell you how much better this year will be.  Yuck.

Arbor Day – Trees…wow.  Also most people don’t get off work.  Dumbest holiday out there.  Now if trees came to life and fought orcs, I would move this up.

Columbus Day – I live in Columbus and no one celebrates it.  Probably will be banned in a decade also.

President’s Day – Mattress sales.  Plus, I’m not celebrating all the presidents.  Sorry Millard Fillmore, James Buchanan, Woodrow Wilson, and Bill Paxton.

 

Since it’s America’s birthday this week, I have decided to address history I constantly see wrong on Facebook.  One of my majors in college was history (it was the fun one, some of you are probably passing out reading that) and I see so much history manipulated and/or misrepresented, I thought I would try to address it, maybe with some humor.  Humor not guaranteed, it is history, after all.

NUMBER ONE – Oh and is this ever number one – the First Amendment (no pun intended, but I’ll take it).  Freedom of speech.  This relates to speech against the GOVERNMENT.  The federal government doesn’t mean your job.  It doesn’t mean on a comedy stage.  You can, in America, address the government and call them fart sniffers or whatever you want.  You can’t go into your work and tell your manager to pound it sideways and claim the first amendment.  This is how the NFL is pushing out kneeling.  You may not like it, but it’s not protected because it’s at work.  Their ratings plummet?  They institute a policy.  It also – pay attention comics – doesn’t mean someone HAS to give you stage time because you say offensive things.  That’s the call of the person running the show.  I hate when comics get banned from a venue and act like they’re modern day Patrick Henrys.  No, you’re an ass who does a lot of rape jokes and racial stereotypes and no one wants to put you on.

NUMBER TWO – I see this a lot, so it’s worth addressing.  The 3/5’s compromise.  I have no idea how to type 3/5’s correctly, so we’re rolling with it.  When the nation was forming, the southern states wanted slaves to count as full persons…for voting representation only, not in actual, you know, real life.  The other states said no and a fight ensued.  The 3/5’s compromise doesn’t mean it was entrenched law that slaves were 60% people, it was actually a method to reduce the voting power of the slave states.  Would have it been better to count slaves as people?  No, then the states with slaves would have had more influence until slavery was banned, thus leading to more restrictive laws on a federal level for slaves and ultimately human rights.  Who knows what more atrocities against slaves would have been entrenched if so.

NUMBER THREE – America is a democracy.  Actually, we are a representative republic.  The problem with a democracy is that a current event or hot button issue could lead to the tyranny of a majority imposing restrictions on protected rights or natural law.  Example – 9/11 happens and a ton of states remove all persons of the Muslim faith with a vote.  That’s a democracy.  Not as cool as it seems at first.

NUMBER FOUR – George Washington used bald eagles to win the battle of Yorktown.  This is 100% true.

Hope that helps, now you’ll know more about America as you pound beers and maim yourself with explosives this week!