Author: Chris

Formaggio is a shit bar – cancelled a benefit show less than three hours beforehand.  Don’t patronize them unless you hate raising money for autism or OSU student groups.

I have worked in Pennsylvania five times recently.  It is amazing the difference b/w states.  First, they have no lever to automatically pump your gas.  This apparently saves fuel, but not my comfort as I freeze my ass off filling my tank.  Second, they have three ways to get beer – at a bar, at a six pack store, and at a case only distributor.  Bar = OK, six pack = really?, case only = thanks for promoting reckless drunkeness.  I went to a “distributor” that sold only four kinds of beer in cases, plus cigars…but no cigarettes.  So much for the unspilled fuel, morons, I had to drive a couple miles to get cigs.  Where is the lighter store?  Then I have to head to the peanut butter store, hope I have time to go to the bread outlet, the jelly depository, and the butter knife emporium.  Stupid state laws.

The Daytona 500 was possibly the most boring event I’ve ever witnessed.  There were 16 caution flags and some dude I’ve never heard of won.  I might as well have watched the Gus Macker Franklin county championship. 

I did an open mike tonight and tried new material.  I found out video game humor = good, sex offender humor = bad.  If you get paid work as a comic and you do an open mike without trying new material, you are pretty much wasting your time. 

I can’t parallel park.  I am a complete pussy in that regard.  It took me three minutes to park tonight and I was still a foot off the curb.  I feel less manly, but real men would ride a horse anyway, so who cares.

I sold a DVD and it was corrupted.  Now I have to pay shipping to right the situation.  Thank you Steve Jobs, your DVD burner works about as well as your liver.

Check out http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/comics/ChrisCoen to see me performing at Go Bananas in Cincy over the last year…plus an ’09 clip to see how new (read: not very good) I was.

A new comic approached me and another professional comic (meaning one of us doesn’t still work a full time job.) and asked when he could expect paid work.  We both stared at the floor for second and both said “What do you mean by paid?”  For those of you wondering, here’s my experience…  My first paid show was four months into my “career” at a bowling alley in west Columbus.  I brought in 37 people at $7 a head and was paid $40 for 15 minutes of awfulness (that’s a net loss, btw).  It was the greatest moment of my life and yet, possibly the saddest to some.  Over three years later I have traveled to nine states, put 30,000 miles on my car, and not made in enough in any month of comedy to pay my mortgage, electric bill and condo fees.  Only twice have I come close.  Yet, I am considered by some to be on the right path.  I am sleep deprived most of the time, I never know from month to month if have one show or up to twelve per month, and have sat through hecklers, drunks, and general apathy.  I wouldn’t trade it for anything.  Joe DiMaggio said he played hard in case a kid had never seen him before – he never wanted to disappoint.  This is how I feel.  I have to bring my best every time onstage b/c I’m such a nut I don’t want some drunk asshole to say I wasn’t funny after the show.  See you at my first headlining club gig, scumbag.  If you commit this much and you give up, you are the worst joke ever.  There is no runner-up in this biz.  That’s how I do comedy.  How long before you paid, new guy?  That’s up to you.

I know people that don’t do comedy would think doing shows in VFW’s, Eagles lodges, or in my case tonight, a senior center, in a town of 4000 people sounds awful, but I love it.  I sell more tshirts and DVD’s and everyone is super friendly.  I don’t know if they are starved for entertainment so much that they actually think I’m funny or my general white trashness bonds me to the crowd…but thank you small towns.  You folks rock.