Hey everyone! The disease du jour coronavirus is gearing up and has caused everyone to have to learn stuff! Never mind the savage influenza outbreaks every three years should have taught you this shit already, it’s cool care only about diseases that really haven’t hit America yet!
WASH YOUR HANDS! Did you guys know there’s this CRAZY thing called washing hands? I know, right? Here I am, rubbing down public bathroom seats and doorhandles, wondering why I’m all sick and some prophet comes along and tells me to wursh my hands! What’s next, showering?
DON’T HANG OUT WITH SICK PEOPLE OR IF YOU’RE SICK STAY HOME. Now this is next level, I thought by going into very public places when ill rather than rest, it would harness the positive vibes and heal me miraculously. Turns out you’re a-sposed to stay away from others.
DON’T TOUCH STUFF. Step 1, buy $200 mask. Step 2, put it on. Step 3, slap your mitt right on the public handrail at the airport and drag it down a mile of disease! HEY, WHY DID I GET SICK? I HAS A MASK!
Side note: this is sarcasm and if any of this was news to you, please go away. Don’t even click on this site anymore. I may get your virus plague via the interwebs.