• Ranking the months

    Posted by on July 12, 2019

    It’s 5000 degrees right now and Independence Day is over, so July sucks hard.  What are the best and worst months, no one asks?  Well, I’m happy to answer for you, from worst to best.  This is Midwest rankings, btw.  I can’t speak for Arizona or some ungodly place like Florida with their foot long mosquitoes and 100 degrees in October bullshit.

    February – If this month was 30 days like all the others, we would put this month in the electric chair.  It’s at the end of winter, Valentine’s Day is the most depressing holiday for half the country, and even someone with a Marie Osmond personality has had enough with the failed resolutions and garbage weather.

    January – Same thing as February, just closer to New Year’s and Christmas, plus you probably have cool new stuff to help with the BS…for a few weeks.  All your bills from the Christmas rush are due, so good luck.

    July – NOW it’s hot.  You thought a few days in June sucked.  I use Gold Bond powder to walk to the mailbox.  Once July 4 passes, there’s nothing to look forward to, sports are awful this time of year, and bugs have invaded.  Fruit flies, ants, mosquitoes and flies plus sweat and BO.  Go away, July.

    August – Like July, but with back to school – boo.  Only the fact football starts back up and there’s hope for normal weather on the horizon give this hope.  No holidays at ALL.  Someone cool born in August do something great and I may bump this month up.

    March – March is filled with hope…until it snows again and you curse it up and down.  It’s warmer!  Two days later six inches of snow cover everything.

    April – April stinks and it rains every day.  There’s mud as far as the eye can see, but at least it’s better than March.  Maybe Easter, maybe not.

    June – June is cool, usually, but knowing 90% humidity is a month away dampens this month a bit.  Plus bugs start showing up and if you haven’t figured it out, I hate bugs.  And sweat.  And talking to strangers, but that has nothing to do with June.

    November – Not my favorite month, but it has a major holiday where you only have to eat a lot on a Thursday where I then get the Friday off work also.  So November is a huge overachiever.  Also Veteran’s Day, plus election time means no more political ads.

    September – Solid month – starts with a three day weekend for Labor Day, college and pro football off and running, temperature goes from balls to stuck to leg hot to Holy hell I’m not instantly drenched every time I sit down in my car.

    May – Best month in that it finally quits freaking raining, it’s warm out but not hot, the massive clouds of death mosquitoes haven’t fully hatched and you can actually go outside (if you’re the type of sicko that likes to be outside and away from a TV or video game system).  Sun doesn’t actually go down at six PM.  First three day weekend of the year with Memorial Day.

    December – Christmas.  My birthday (which I used to like before I got old).  Everyone mostly in good mood.  Cold but not stupid depressingly so.  OK, let’s face it – Christmas pretty much saves this month.  That and all bugs are dead or hibernating or back in hell where they belong.

    Winner – October.  Mild temperatures.  Football in full swing.  Best time for nature.  Halloween is my favorite holiday other than Christmas.  Best time for fire parties.  Pumpkin everything for the white girls (if you shove a pumpkin beer in my hand, I will slap the shit out of you).

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