• Movie review: Pinocchio (Holy hell this is a dark movie)

    Posted by on March 19, 2019

    We broke down and joined the Disney movie club and recently got Pinocchio.  My daughter absolutely loves it and Good Lord, it’s dark.  Don’t read the book, btw, it makes the movie look like Bob the Builder.  The premise is that a toymaker wants a wooden puppet to be his real son and because he’s good, it happens.  Of course, the puppet has to prove his worth and be moral and good, so of course, he gets an insect to be his conscience.  After many trials, it all works out and he becomes a real boy.  Great ending, the song is one of Disney’s most memorable (“When you Wish upon a Star”) and the image of his nose growing when he lies is still used in pop culture 79 years later.  Now for my issues with this movie.

    First off, once he becomes animated to a living block of wood, Gepetto sends him to school, day one, morning one WITH NO DIRECTION OR GOD FORBID EVEN A MAP.  Hey, welcome to the world, magic toy I want for a son, school is, um, I guess that way.  Here’s a book (you can’t read) and your cricket pal to help.  OH BY THE WAY THE USELESS CRICKET IS ALREADY OVERSLEEPING DAY ONE ON THE JOB.  I’m sure no one will notice a wooden boy and freak out.  Result?  Toynapped and sold into slavery by street con artists to a puppeteer.

    So Gepetto tries to rebound from this colossal mishap by walking the streets to find Pinocchio.  The magic fairy helps the boy escape and he vows to go to school.  SEVEN MINUTES LATER THE CRICKET IS NOWHERE TO BE FOUND AND HE’S GRABBED AGAIN BY THE STREET PEOPLE.  He’s then basically sold into slavery again via Pleasure Island.

    Apparently, I should have been a donkey by now.

    The bad boys turn into donkeys to be used in hard labor as punishment for their sinful ways.  The cricket FINALLY does something good and helps Pinocchio get the hell off the cursed island but again, tells no one about this hell on Earth.  Jiminy Cricket sucks.  Finally we find that Gepetto has been swallowed by a whale named Monstro.  For some reason, he took his goldfish and cat in his boat, I have no idea why.  The dumb puppet finally steps up and saves him and becomes a real boy.  The worst guidance counselor of all time insect gets a gold star for being his conscience.

    This is my biggest issue with this movie, well that, and the fact the street fox and cat that literally sold a puppet boy into slavery twice got no comeuppance.  Jiminy Cricket is the worst and quite frankly, got a gold star, because why?  He didn’t get the kid sold into human slavery a third time?  GTFO fairy lady.  I’ve never got anyone human trafficked before, fairy, give me a gold medal I can resell for a ticket to Pleasure Island.  I’ll go there and I’ll pull a Punisher style revenge on the psycho that runs the show there and make Pinocchio 2: The Reckoning.  There’s a family movie we can all enjoy.

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