Before: “I’m tired, I was up until 3 am!” After: “I’m tired, my kid woke me up at 3 am.”
B: “We always go to that bar, let’s do something different!” (Goes to same bar) A: “We always get that takeout, let’s do something different!” (Kid eats only that takeout, goes to same restaurant)
B: “I had a bad day yesterday, I got fast food at midnight.” A: “I had a bad day yesterday, I ate my kid’s leftover dessert for the eighth straight meal.”
B: “I was so busy yesterday, I had to run to the grocery store and pick up five things.” A: “I had so much free time yesterday, all I had to do was pick up 37 things at the grocery store.”
B: “I need to get drunk!” (Gets drunk) A: “I need to get drunk!” (Has one drink, falls asleep sitting up)
B: “I got a bonus at work, I’m going to Vegas!” (Money gone in four days) A: “I got a bonus at work, I’m buying a playhouse for the kids!” (Kids play with playhouse for two days, never touch again until you go to sell it online, then suddenly interested again)
B: “I don’t watch kids’ movies.” A: “I’ve seen Trolls six times since Tuesday.”
B: “The scariest thing is waiting on a pregnancy test or getting pulled over leaving the bar.” A: “The scariest thing is changing a diaper and hearing a toot. Or whenever my kid is in the other room and it’s quiet.”