#1 (Finds wife’s magnifying mirror) “Holy crap, this mirror makes my nose look huge like an old drunk.”
Wife: “Isn’t that what you’re trying to be?”
“Well, I don’t want anyone to know about it.”
#2 “I should have taken a leak before we left to come to the zoo. Where in the hell is the bathroom? You think I can go right here?”
Wife: “Well, there’s trees, but probably not.”
“I’ve seen what those rhinos do, it’s much worse than what I can do.”
#3 “Looks like I’m going to make the fantasy football playoffs in a couple leagues.”
Wife: (Not paying attention)
“I could win some money.”
Wife: “Oh that’s cool, how much?!”