The title is a bold statement, you may think, but I’ll explain. Assholes are easy to spot. They give themselves away. In comedy, they’re the loud drunk hecklers that get tossed. In life, you hear them speak and instantly know you don’t have to care anymore. We all like nice people…until they cross over into obnoxious nice. Then they’re worse.
I was eating with my family and my wife asked that I get her a refill. The line was fairly lengthy and I was finally up next. A balding man walked up to the teenager behind the register. “I was going to order, but I thought I would ask your opinion, since you’re the expert!” Teenager looked confused, as most do. “Um. Our chicken sandwich is very popular.” Now I knew this, since we were at Chik-Fil-A, and 95% of their entree options are chicken sandwiches and I have a semi-functioning brain. Baldy then began inquiring about how pimpleface liked his prepared. He then started asking about how their work flow was executed and how he liked working there. I began to surmise he was Charlie Chik-Fil-A and this was Undercover Boss or he was trying to be friendly and conversational. The latter is all well and good until I’ve been in line for five minutes devising ways to kill with items from the condiment station for wasting my precious time. (Maybe if I hit him over the head with the Mayo tray, it will stun him long him enough to plunge a spork into his neck…)
The coup de grace was as an even younger and more pimpled teen walked past the register to clean up after an angry three year old, he shouted, “Hey! Make sure you’re smiling!” The kid smiled and then rolled a mop bucket to the disaster zone formerly occupied by toddlers. I almost dunked the guy’s head in the bucket on principle. “NO ONE HERE IS YOUR FRIEND, FRIEND! ORDER A STUPID CHICKEN SANDWICH AND MOVE IT BEFORE I DEEP FRY YOUR ASS!” You also may have noticed at this point, I’m an asshole, but at least I keep the line moving. I think I just found my epitaph.
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