Here’s how life works – if you’re single, people ask when you will date someone. Dating? Marrriage. Married? Kids – except if you are Catholic, they make you go behind the altar after the vows to make sure. Kid? When’s the next one? And the one after? Then you never sleep or work out or go to the movies again (you go, just not the adult movies…not those adult movies, the normal adult – you get it).
I have a girl now and the question I get now that we know number two is on the way: Do you want a girl or boy? Which do you want? I want an X-Man, actually. Mutant ability: Generate Busch Lights from water or telepathy so I can make millions gambling. Rather than answer without thinking, I decided to break it down.
Girl. Pros – Already have girl stuff EVERYWHERE. (Cheaper!) Won’t pee in my face. (No nozzle.) Will likely fight with my wife more than me. (Throw in my daughter now and I may be able to fade into the background completely.)
Cons – Boys trying to date my daughter. (I still have a decade to find places to hide a body). The potential for dance recitals, tea parties, etc. being doubled is truly horrifying. (I may never watch another sporting event until I’m 70.)
Boy. Pros – I’m not outnumbered. (Even the damn pets have different parts than me. I’m on an island.) I can teach someone all my athletic knowledge, like how to be a 201 lb. college football player (smoke and drink, they’re not putting you in much). Teach him man stuff! (Video games, how to look busy without working, farts).
Cons – He might be like me. Let’s stop there, that one is pretty bad.
Of course, it could be a clone of G, who is a girl, but has the caution level of a drunk skydiver like a boy. Either way, I’m sure I’ll be a sleep deprived zombie praying for the two children to entertain each other, which is what I thought the puppy that jumped on my balls at 3 am this week would do. Backfired!
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