Over the time I’ve been doing comedy, I’ve stayed in quite a few hotels. There were a few that were nice, most OK and a few that reminded me of the meth hotel from Breaking Bad. The hotel is usually the last thing negotiated and usually, the venue works out a deal with a local place dying for business so they get a good rate. In other words, mostly shitholes.
I stayed in a place built in the 1700’s, when everyone was apparently 5′ and 105 lbs. I had to drop a deuce and the sink was so close to the toilet, I had to turn sideways and put my left arm on the sink to fit. If I weighed ten more pounds, I’d still be there, stuck.
Once the venue forgot to book a room and I had to share a bed with another comic. I built a pillow fort in the middle of the bed and stayed awake until 3 am staring at the ceiling, thinking I should have learned to juggle or mime instead of telling jokes.
Another time I stayed in a room where there were still makeup stains on the pillowcase from the previous guest, or the previous guest’s prostitute, who knows? I complained and the not American hotel owner yelled at me for complaining. I shoved the soiled linens in his face and screamed back, “Does that look clean?” He gave me a “clean” pillowcase like I took his last beer from the fridge. I slept on top of the blankets with the heat cranked to 78 degrees to avoid whatever biohazard festered beneath me.
I once had a room so small I could lie in bed and touch both walls at the same time. I’ve seen prison cells with more room. At least I couldn’t fall out of bed!
The all time worst though was a bed and breakfast. I didn’t realize that meant a person’s house. I walked in and the father wasn’t expecting anyone. He went around the corner and yelled at the mom that no one let him know and now they couldn’t go to dinner with the kids. I stood in silence for ten minutes as they argued and then was shown to the room. Surprise! their five year son was hiding in the room. He busted out right when I sat on the bed. I then realized the bathroom was down the hall next to their room, so I had to take my entire suitcase with me to shower. I checked my email and they switched hotels without telling me until about an hour before I got there. I pulled out and they almost backed into me because they were in such a hurry. I cut my car too soon and wiped out half a pine tree, but I just gunned it while the rage dad stared holes into my soul.