I went to the zoo with my family this weekend. My daughter is one and every time we go to the zoo, the sun lurches closer to the earth just to make it miserable, so we don’t stay long. Seriously, every time we go, it’s between fry an egg on the ground hot and your grandparents’ house on Christmas hot. We saw some animals, but the people are always more entertaining. Here’s a rundown.
The “Yeah, I’ve got five kids under seven, but I still got it mom.” This is the lady with an army of kids that rivals a Nike shoe factory, but still is showing off her stomach and chugging a Bud Light. She’s ideal for the next person on the list.
The “Hillbilly immune to heat”. Hillbillies will NOT wear anything other than work boots, jeans and black t-shirts with cattle skulls on them, even if it’s hot enough to jump into the alligator pit to cool off kind of hot.
It’s 95 in the shade, lose the full body camo, kemosabe.
Finally, the rare, but most annoying zoo person, the “I don’t know shit about animals, but I’m loud, so you’re going to hear about it.” We were looking at leopards and some guy was telling his ladyfriend how shy the leopards were and other fun facts. The leopard was about six feet from the glass just staring at us, not caring whether we lived or died. I then realized my dream one day job would be a zoo tour guide that just made shit up the whole time. It would only be one day, because I would be fired very quickly.
“Well, as you can see, the penguins are tame now, but in the wild, they kill an estimated 350 people a year.” Is that real? “Oh yes, then they defecate on the corpses. VERY aggressive in their natural environment. Very territorial. Moving on to the eagles, did you know all know the eagle was picked for the US symbol because their eggs are red, white and blue?” That’s not correct. “Well, thanks to people like you not believing in freedom and eagles, they’re only white now. Hope you’re proud of yourself now, you pinko son of a bitch.” I need to work on making this happen.