One question you get asked a lot as a parent is do you want to have a boy or girl? As a young man, who knew nothing about women, I said if I had a kid, I hoped it was a boy so I could relate to my offspring. Then I became older and got the news my wife was pregnant, although I still knew nothing about women, I just hoped my kid was healthy. As I reflect back on nearly a year of raising a girl, I realized I should thank the good Lord I had a girl and here’s why.
A conversation arose at the office about what we did as kids. I remembered my friends playing “one pump” BB gun tag. That’s where you were allowed one pump only before shooting your pals, since one pump can’t break skin. What actually happened is every boy with a gun pumped it until it nearly exploded, then buried pellets into everyone’s skin. Co-worker: “Yeah, we did that too, until some guy lost an eye. Now he has a glass one.” Me: “My buddies used to buy .25 cent sunglasses to protect their eyes.” Co-worker: “We weren’t that smart.” Well, no one was, because gas station shades don’t exactly pass OHSA tests. I doubt there’s too much impact testing for BB’s in the R&D also.
More you say? We went cliff jumping, rode on the hoods and roofs of cars, and tried to make a flamethrower once from household products. I did a front flip over a balcony in college and shot bottle rockets at each other. We boxed using socks as boxing gloves and one time had a wrestling tournament in a room with blacked out lights where two guys got the wind knocked out of them. In college, my buddies handcuffed another friend of mine to a toilet for six hours after covering him in shaving cream and aftershave, then turned all the showers on hot…for no reason at all. We shaved a guy’s head, exactly half off including his facial hair and eyebrow, like Two-Face from Batman…for no reason. I awoke one time because my fraternity brothers had turned on a Shop Vac that was suctioned onto my crotch. I lost my boxers in the struggle and chased them down naked throwing darts at them. I hit my friend Donnie Digital in the leg and he went tumbling down a staircase head first. Oh, and I was co-valedictorian in high school. I was supposed to be smart.
In summation, maybe having a girl is not only great, it may be the only sane way to raise a kid. Then again, my daughter may date some animal like me some day. OK, I’m back to neutral, but I think I will childproof the house every other week from now on to be safe either way.