I have an almost one year old, so clearly I know everything now. Here’s some advice, tips and wisdom to share with you all.
– You’ll have it figured out until teething starts. Then it goes to hell faster than your social life did when you had a baby.
– If you think your newborn’s poopy diapers stink, you ain’t seen nothing yet. Wait until they start “adult food” and you get the first post-meat surprise.
– When in doubt, Elmo. Elmo early and Elmo often. I don’t know what it is about that red, high pitched menace, but kids LOVE him.
– Routine, routine, routine. Babies need routine like Gunnery Sergeant Hartman on Full Metal Jacket needs to scream insults at Private Pyle. If you are in trouble, go in this order – food, diaper, sleep, boredom, then repeat. Or just call for momma – sometimes your kid is just sick of your bullshit.
– When you can, SLEEP. “Hey, I need to take out the trash.” SLEEP. “I should catch up on Netfilx.” SLEEP. SLEEP. SLEEP.
That should get you through the first year. Now I need to look into when my daughter should be expected to invent something so I can retire. I’m guessing three, she’s pretty smart.