When I was a kid, I wanted to be three things: President of the good ol’ USA (I used to think I had too much dirt in my past, then 2016 happened), a ninja (ninjas don’t drink Busch Light) or a robot inventor. I gave up on robots when I realized I couldn’t build one due to my lack of scientific knowledge or work ethic or resources, but I have found a few I think are on par with the internet, fire and air conditioning.
Ventilated shorts. I have a huge hole in the crotch of my shorts I wear around the house. I went to get something from the side of the living room by the A/C vent and realized I had stumbled upon a great and glorious revelation as the cold air froze my undercarriage. Sure, there’s the whole indecent exposure thing, but try chilling your grundle in July. It’s the best.
A powder that makes the donuts people bring to your office taste like poop. Let’s face it, we’re not working out tonight and you can’t turn down that cream filled delight. I know they were being nice, but we’re too fat to resist. Powder up and – not eating the donut. Poop taste beats willpower. You’ll thank me when you fit in your pants again.
Political post of Facebook blocker. I don’t know how this will work, but let me give you some info. Is someone reposting Hillary Clinton talking about creating tech jobs when she can’t figure out how email works? Someone telling you how Trump is the next Reagan/Lincoln/Captain America? Tired of hearing about how all Republicans are this or all Democrats are that and Jerry from Pataskala has it all figured out? Click this buttion and BOOM – all your statuses you read at work are about 1) Pets 2) Kids 3) Vacations or 4) Whatever people used to post about before this fucking election. I get one penny for every post blocked, so you’re welcome and I’ll be richer than Trump and Clinton combined in five minutes. Then I’ll run for president and BUY ALL YOUR SOULS! Sorry, got carried away there. (NOT REALLY!) Shut up voice in my head!