Don’t do this to yourself, whatever you do

About once a year, post-Christmas, I will go through the clothes hanging in my closet and in my drawers and start a donation bag.  I tossed about five shirts I hadn’t worn in years into one, then decided to move on to pants.  Don’t move on to pants, just set fire to them all if you’re not sure.

I went through a couple stages of life.  In high school, I tried to get to 200 lbs.  I couldn’t get over 185.  I ate like Joey Chestnut combined with a stray dog – no bounce.  Now if I have one day like I ate in high school, I lose four days’ worth of eating well and exercise. I need those horse blinders attached to my head for the holidays.

I tried on several pairs of pants from the pre-fatherhood days and great news, everyone – most of them fit.  I couldn’t move, bend over or even fart, but they slid right on!  I started acting like I was running in place as best I could.  My wife said, “You can’t work out in those.”  “I know I can’t, I need to lose weight to get them back off.”  So I’ll be replacing my breakfast with sheets of notebook paper if anyone is wondering.  Are there calories in the air?  Maybe I can hold my breath.