The hidden perks of parenthood

Let’s face it, being a parent is great.  You feel tremendous love that words truly can’t describe.  Love so strong it makes up for not sleeping, stress to the point of nervous breakdown, and the disappearance of all that is social interaction.  Even my DVR is so full right now it will take a month to clear it out if I just delete stuff, let alone watch the actual programs.

There are other benefits, though, I’ll explain.

1) You get to say things you always hated people for in the past.  I can’t wait to bust out a “DON’T TELL ME HOW TO RAISE MY KIDS!” at a stranger in a grocery store.  It’s the most white trash thing you can say other than “NOT IN MY AMERICA!”  I know this, because I say it about 14 times a week myself.

1a) “You wouldn’t know, you don’t have kids.”  I bristle with anticipation dreaming of dropping this on people at a party when I can go to one in five years.  “Man, I’m busy.”  (I butt in) “Oh you have NOOOOO idea.  Wait until you have children!”  Then everyone makes that shut up, we get it face.

2) Never commit to anything ever again!  “Hey, can you volunteer for the”  NO!  I HAVE A KID NOW!  SEE YA!  But all we need is 22 seconds of your time (Fingers in ears) LALALALALALA I HAVE A KID NOW!

3) I can now drop Facebook hate on people for not liking my baby pictures.

4) Have an excuse for my fat, worthless body.  I don’t have time to workout, I’m a father!  “Are you drinking cheese?”  “YOU DON’T HAVE CHILDREN, YOU’LL NEVER UNDERSTAND!”  See how this works?