I am convinced someone is trying to give me a stroke. Some twisted puppetmaster is pulling strings in a dark game and their agents of destruction are customer service reps.
1) I went to see if I got an insurance discount for getting married, because I heard married guys get cheaper insurance. I called and was told I had to go online. I did and checked married to see if my rate dropped. It went up $800 a year. I was then locked out and told I have to sign paperwork to change the quote back – which is now higher than the original quote for no reason. The blood clot formed in my body somewhere.
2) I locked my keys in my car because I’m dumb. I called to get my car unlocked. “Sir, your card number isn’t a valid one.” Check the name. “Coen. It’s not in the system.” Check my address. “It’s not in the system. Please hold.” Two minutes later. “How do you spell that name?” You mean my name? “It’s not in the system. Please hold.” Two more minutes. “What was that name?” I spelled it a third time. “There it is. We’ll send someone.” How many times do I have to spell a four letter last name? Blood clot grows larger.
3) I saw two St. Bernards on the highway. I called Siri to find the Highway Patrol’s number before something awful happened. 15 tries later, Siri connected me to a police department in Cleveland, about three hours away. I began openly cursing at Siri until I called it worthless and told it to kill itself. I am positive one more this week and I will seize up and drop like a stone.