I think I should have a show on the Home Improvement channel, or whatever it’s called, I don’t watch it. I think the ratings would be nice and high. Not because I can fix things, but because I’m so useless at it. I lived in a condo for years where my biggest maintenance crisis was caused when I walked into the screen door and bent the frame. I fixed it by sliding it to open all the way and never using it again.
This week I went to run electrical wire up through a wall and fireplace so we can mount our TV in the center of the room. I couldn’t get it through. I found something called a fire break, which is a 2×4 block that somehow prevents fires, because it’s wood. Nothing like wood as a non-flammable fail safe. No problem. I put drill bit into the hole and dropped it, thanks to my fat and clumsy hands. I then spent 90 minutes with my wife’s help using a mirror, cell phone light and coat hangar getting the bit out of the wall. We got it, but the drill didn’t fit, so we had to buy a flexible drill bit extension. After calling five stores, we found one. I drilled through one hole, then the part warped and broke. There goes that. I then ran the wire, only to find out there was a second fire break I couldn’t reach, especially since the part was now in the trash can.
All this has led me to believe it is time to give up television and learn to read. Or use super glue, that may work also. Stay tuned to whatever channel people work on house stuff for my new show, “When his dad was trying to teach him about home improvement, he was imagining he was a bald eagle with laser vision.” It will involve a lot of foul language and minor injuries, some tears and will conclude with a contractor or my wife doing it correctly.