I brainstormed recently about possible outcomes for the 2016 Presidential Race – here’s what I came up with.
1) Bernie Sanders pulls off a massive upset over Hillary. As he leaves the DNC nomination, he is hit by a car driven by someone in an orange pantsuit laughing maniacally. An email implicates Hillary Clinton, but no one cares about the investigation and she gets the nomination.
2) Lindsey Graham storms out of nowhere to win the presidency. No one wanted to vote for him, but think he’s a woman with that name and he wins the female vote handily.
3) Donald Trump wins the election, brings on Carly Fiorina as VP just so he can say “You’re Fired!” to her. He builds a huge wall on the Mexican border, but it backfires when more Mexicans show up thinking it’s a casino.
4) Barack Obama decides to ignore the Constitution and run for a third term. He wins, but the Republicans botch the impeachment hearing so badly they end up impeaching thier own Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. Conservative Republicans call it a fair trade-off.
5) Ben Carson wins the election and immediately opens up a new department to investigate the pyramids. Satisfied with the findings, he resigns to start an a capella singing group. The chain of succession ends up making Mayor McCheese President, who undoes all Michelle Obama’s school lunch programs.
6) Jeb Bush wins by getting Karl Rove to secretly change the ballot to say who would you NOT vote for. In the confusion, everyone ends up voting for Bush.
7) Hillary Clinton wins and bans all comedy clubs from America. She then goes on tour of America to make money for the Clinton Foundation as the only comedy act allowed. Her practice of changing her voice to black or Southern accents for speeches helps her do characters, but it falls apart when Bill turns the White House into a strip club in her absence.
8) Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio tie and are forced to kill the Castro brothers as a tiebreaker. Political pundits pontificate whether either candidate has seen the Running Man or Hunger Games and may have an advantage.