Questions for my body

Another birthday, another year older (that’s how it works, typically).  I have decided to write down questions to my failing body, hoping for an answer or two.

Why, if the hair on top is thinning, do you produce more elsewhere?  Heat escapes through my head – not my back.  We were cool until about 30, no need to change it up.  Also, while you’re at it, keep those pimples.  I was clearly told that would end in high school.  I need to find that contract and call my lawyer.

I eat better than ever.  I work out.  Yet if I have one bad day of fatness, you decide to hang onto that for a week.  Don’t make me go back to White Castle at 2 am and pizza for breakfast, you no good son of a bitch.  I ate that turkey burger for you, not me.

You can go ahead and go to the bathroom all at once, like you used to.  There’s no need to go, then order up round 2 and 3 five minutes later.  Oh, and tell my bladder he’s slacking too.  One beer and I have to pee like I drank a swimming pool.

I tore a rib muscle working out recently.  I felt no pain, yet the next day I reached up to grab something and nearly went down.  Can you at least give me a heads up?  I didn’t even know there were muscles there to tear.  Not cool.

Then again, I had birthday cake for breakfast, haven’t had a physical for a decade, and my liver hasn’t crapped out on me.  I guess we’ll call it even.  Now if only I can find my glasses so I read whatever in the hell I just typed…