My Tryout for Last Comic Standing, part 3

I was standing in the tent behind the club around a rectangular table with nine other comics, staring a young man, perhaps an intern, when I was told to do my best 30-60 seconds.  I’ve had short sets in my career, but I can tell you 30 seconds is about two one liners unless you talk like a teenage girl discussing how cool prom is going to be, then maybe four.

I don’t even remember what I did, but I think it was something normal and something inappropriate, probably jokes about basketball and sexual misconduct.  Between my pals, two of us got our release forms moved into one pile, and the other guy got moved to a smaller pile.  We were told we would be contacted by 1 pm if we moved on.  Then we walked out and realized we had to stick around, since we were in two different piles of release forms – one of us had to make it, right?  We went to Applebee’s down the road and began drinking, which is my solution to about any quandry.  One pm arrived…no one was called!  The ol’ paper shuffle was a ruse.  You got us, NBC, you old this and that!

Luckily, I had a pal in town who let us crash on his couches, which was nice, since between the three of us, we had four hours’ sleep total.  Upon awakening, we went to the worst restaurant in Nashville, where the appetizer was a cheese cube tray and all the meat looked like it was covered in the fat they stole on Fight Club.  The next day, we drove the three state trek back.  Upon further review, I had no business trying out for the show after one year, perhaps none now after seven plus years and they were right to pass on my very raw new comic self.  That said, I think I’ll still punch the guy with the ponytail for the two stacks of release forms if I ever see him…which I won’t…and if I do, I won’t recognize him…and it probably wasn’t his idea…  OK, I’ll just punch him in my imagination world, where I’m already a world famous and very wealthy comedian and terrorist fighter, where the rivers are made of beer and the wind blowing sounds like 80’s hair metal.